And the Word of the Year for 2010 is...And the Word of the Year is...
I'm laughing because this is completely ironic. And uncanny. Yesterday morning, as I do every morning, I wrote in my journal. The theme was about needing to find the "just right" point.
I was sent a lot of mixed messages as a child; such as, "you try too hard/you don't try hard enough". It left me feeling like a pendulum, constantly swinging between the two sides, seeking that perfect, centered, middle point of rest.
I didn't manage to find it while Mother was alive. Mother was not only the source of the mixed messages; she was also the litmus test that indicated how close I was to finding the center. Life was a constant game of shifting a little bit that way, then a little bit the other but never hitting the mark.
After she died, there was no litmus test, no one to monitor my progress and tell me if I was warm or cold. I've been struggling with indecision, a lack of confidence, uncertainty; I start something, second-guess it, drop it and start something else. Repeat. The lack of commitment and follow-through on my part means the engine on one project doesn't even get a chance to warm up before it is shut off in favor of the next project. Imagine the effect that has on one's career path.
All I'm seeking is the "just right" point: where I can feel confident, decisive, certain, and centered. No longer wavering between maybe this, maybe that. Knowing that the choice I've committed to is one I can commit to, and that I'm certain of it and at peace with the outcome.
Of course, I could also use courage, clarity, prosperity, and a host of other qualities. So I typed these and many other positive words into Excel (because it can sort alphabetically), printed them out, cut them into strips, folded them up, tossed them into a hat, and shuffled vigorously. At precisely 12:10 AM, I held the hat above my head, asked the Universe to show me what I most needed to invite into my life in 2010, stuck my hand in and pulled out a word.
Out of over 160 possible words, BALANCE rose to the top.
Universe, you have one hell of a sense of humor. :-)