Bittersweet FarewellsTomorrow is the big day. I'm headed to parts south to attend the closing on Lot #2 of Grandma's property and to say my farewells to the old house.
I'm taking the camcorder. Even though the house is falling apart and the interior, thanks to the renters, bears little resemblance to the way it looked when Grandma was alive, I want to capture a video walkthrough for my own memories. If I don't, I'll likely regret it, right?
Because the house won't ever be the same. The people who bought it (I think that last contract was the agreement to sell, I'll ask tomorrow) plan to gut and remodel 90% of it. They're buying frame and land. I'm sure it will be restored to beauty one day... but it won't be ours anymore, and it won't be Grandma's house.
Even though I know it was a necessary move to make if I was going to be able to pursue my dreams, it's still tough.
Even though it was tough to choose between my childhood home in the suburbs and an actual farm, I know I made the right decision because it was a farm, but not a big enough farm, and I'm not ready to live on a farm quite yet. I'll be traveling a lot during the next few years—who would take care of the farm? Heh. Right now, better to board.
Even though Grandma died in 1983, and was in the nursing home for seven years before that, meaning she hadn't lived there in... well over 30 years, it's still her house.
Of course, I might surprise myself. I might find that I'm removed enough now to let it go with love. I hope so. Still, I'm packing Kleenex™ just in case. The batteries are charged for the camcorder, the tape is in, I've packed a change of clothes (because you never know, do you?) and printed out far more maps than I'll likely need.
I'll be up around 6 AM. So, think happy thoughts toward me as I face this. For it's more than just a lot sale. It's another farewell to a very big part of my past. I've buried my parents; now I'm burying my connection to Grandma as well as a lost dream.
But it's for the best. My loss becomes someone else's dream realized. My hope is that the good energy I put toward letting go of this to make someone else's dream come true will come back to me tenfold when I seek my own dreams.
One day, I will live on a farm. Only instead of a home that should probably be condemned or that will take at least a hundred grand to fix up plus the money to clear the fields and fence them, I'll be buying a farm with a house that's ready to go, and a barn and field that's ready to go, and all I'll have to do is move us all in.
Labels: estate nonsense