Wednesday, March 05, 2008

I Prefer My Faith Stirred, Not Shaken

Alas, we had an ice storm tonight, foiling my plans to attend InsanKnitty. Just going out to get milk was life-threatening. If I hadn't been down to the last tablespoon, I'd have just stayed in.

Now for a more serious note.

Usually, I'm upbeat, positive, a veritable fountain of wisdom and esoteric existentialism. Nothing seems to get me down, right?

Usually, that's the case.

Despite my latest epiphanies (which I haven't gone into here) about the nature of fear, how I realized I have nothing to fear because fear is just a signal to ask the Higher Consciousness for help, about how nobody can think my thoughts for me/only I can think my thoughts therefore what others say to me or about me should roll off because they aren't necessarily truths therefore they cannot control me...

Despite all of this, I'm in a spot.

It's a spot that is severely testing my ability to stay focused on the preferred outcome and stay positive. It all has to do with the estate, which has gone on far too long IMHO for something that is really relatively simple to settle.

It's very clear cut. There are two houses and a chunk of cash and two people to split it between. Mother gave me the option to keep one house as my residence because I'd lived there for most of my life and because I moved back home to care for them. The other house, which is being sold, appraised higher, so the deal is, when it is sold, the other party gets cash from the proceeds equivalent to the appraisal value of the house I've chosen to keep and we split the additional leftover and split the other cash.

Fair enough, right? The lawyer outlined the distribution in a very clear cut manner shortly after Mother died, and we were both fine with it, although this was before the houses were appraised; we both thought the house I'm living in would appraise higher. (Surprise. Apparently a house on nine acres is worth more than a house on a half acre no matter what condition it's in.)

It was just a matter of waiting through the Probate process before it settled. And it was almost over with last summer.

But then, a complication arose.


There is no way to discuss this without actually going into it, which I want to avoid. But it involves people who feel like they were less "loved" in life than others, petty jealousies, envy, greed, desperation caused by life choices that may not have been the best for them, and control issues. Somebody decided they were being, uh, less compensated than they felt they were "entitled" to be, and complained to the lawyer—who took their side.

Note: the complainee was NOT me. I have always felt that the equal half division was more than fair to both of us. After all, it's a GIFT from our parents—not an entitlement.

This placed me in a rather defensive position last summer and I've been trying to take the path of least resistance rather than giving in and fighting fire with fire because frankly, I see a mess of negative energy being tossed around, and I want no part of it. I know that what goes out comes back multiplied. I'm doing what I can to lessen the burn marks, so to speak.

And then today I get some news regarding the distribution. More cow kaka. More upset. More twisted injustice. If I told you, you'd think that it sounded completely ridiculous. It is—except when it's affecting you and your future personally.

It was difficult, but I chose with all my might to see this as a test, to prove that all the spiritual and emotional work I've done since discovering the LOA in May is actually sunk in. I made a conscious decision to look past the onslaught of negative emotions this news upended within me and to try to maintain the inner peace I'd finally won. I remembered something Joel Osteen said in a recent telecast, how when the enemy starts to fight you harder, it's a sure sign you're about to succeed because they're more determined than ever to stop your success.

OK, so maybe it's a sign I'm about to finally succeed, that this is almost overwith, that I can move on with MY life now, because it does seem like the closer we get to finishing it, the more some people have to fight to change how it's being meted out based on very shaky justifications. Justifications of a personal nature that have absolutely no business being brought into a discussion of clear-cut contract law and the distribution of the wishes of the deceased.

I was successful in righting my mindset for awhile, but it took me four hours to talk myself down from the ledge (so to speak) and some deep meditation before I finally felt centered and at peace. I thought I was fine. But as it goes, night did its magic, and by midnight, I was a mess.

I'm OK for now. Sobbing into 16 pounds of blue purring fur seems to help some.

It's just that nothing seems to be budging for me lately. There is plenty in the works that when it finally gives, relief will come; but it just seems stuck. I realize this is the in-between time, the space of uncertainty between setting intentions and seeing them manifest.

But I'm all alone in this. Oh, I know that God, the Universe, the Higher Consciousness, the FSM or whatever you choose to call that great Divine Life Force is on my side.

On human terms, however, there is just me; and then there is the other party and the other party is bigger in support systems than I am, and the lawyer seems to want to side with them ever since last summer (don't get me started on the ethics of this kind of behavior in a non-criminal contract law case where our Mother paid him to act as mediator—not Attorney for... uh... which one of us is the defendant in a Beneficiary/Will thing? Oh, that's right, NEITHER of us.)

So if you have a heart... please do me a favor.

Pray. Pray for me. Pray for a fast and favorable outcome. Pray for this nightmare to end. Pray for clear heads, reason and rationality to prevail. Pray for things to budge. See me posting an entry screaming with joy that Grandma's house finally sold, the estate finally closed and it all worked out, it went back to the way he said it should go originally (or better). See me writing about how relieved I am that my old house finally found a new owner. (Yes, there are three houses in my life; funny how I can be so rich in property and be increasingly worried about my bill-paying ability.) See me boring you to tears with more hippie dippie positive thinking BS when I finally manifest my preferred outcome.

Just pray, and send some good, helpful vibes my way. The cats and I could sure use the extra energy. While you're at it, send up a little for Tyler, too—he seems to be having a recurrence or it never cleared up to begin with.

You're all in my prayers. Be blessed.

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At 10:29 AM, March 05, 2008, Blogger becky c. said...

Awww, honey, hang in there! Thinking of you.

At 10:40 AM, March 05, 2008, Anonymous stick said...

Hang in there. I'm sending positive energy your way. There's a reason it's this complicated. Just hang tight.

At 7:32 PM, March 05, 2008, Blogger Sheepish Annie said...

Consider it done. All the positive energy I can muster is heading your way. It all seems so unfair. And has gone on for far too long to be healthy for all parties. Hang in there!!

At 8:32 PM, March 06, 2008, Anonymous Cashmere Addict said...

Will definitely put a prayer out there for you. Good thoughts and positive energy coming your way.

At 1:16 PM, March 07, 2008, Blogger Mother of Chaos said...

Prayers and good thoughts are with you. Hang in there!!


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