Greetings of the Seasonal Variety
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Solstice. Whatever you choose to celebrate, please have a safe, wonderful one. I'm off to do the same, and there will be radio silence until the festivities are overwith. It's just too complicated to try to blog and visit at the same time.
No beautiful tree shots for me, nope. I enjoy my neighbors' creations instead. Though, I've finished all the shopping AND wrapping, and baked a few dozen cookies. Waiting for laundry to get done. Having a hard time believing I am this prepared in advance for a change. (Must take my temperature.)
My Xmas gifts to myself?
- A cheapo TracFone so I have one for peace of mind
- Car insurance (yep, I'm legal once again)
- A brand-new Mr. Coffee to replace the one that keeled over a couple days ago. I guess asking them to last past 20 years is asking too much
- Drawing and painting classes at the Art Museum starting in January (yippee!)
- A Parelli Natural Horsemanship clinic with 5-Star Master Instructor Carol Coppinger in May for me and my steed (well, heck, if you're only going to ride in one clinic all year, might as well ride with THE best, right?)
- New slippers!
- And finally, permission to be myself. Now, and in all the coming days.
I didn't plan to get myself anything, it just happened that way. May you and yours have a blessed holiday. Check back with ya in a few days.
Labels: holidaze
Swag Pix
Yes, I survived the Holidaze with Da Pham! It went surprisingly well. I almost didn't want to leave, which is odd.
It would be remiss of me to let the year end without posting photos of the
swag won in the Stumbling Over Chaos caption contest! It's some cool stuff! I knew there would be a book and some yarn involved, but Chris (and Jeanne) outdid themselves with generosity (click to embiggen)!
The whole Kitten and Caboodle
Socks!
Books and Sheeplet
Measure, Mark, and Make
This measures up...
Wintry Mix Ahead...
Silly me, I forgot to close-up on the yarn. Maybe it was subconscious... I prefer to keep its beauty to myself, LOL! It's a luscious combination of deep blues, magenta, green, and purple—right up my alley. I think I'll go toe up on these and design my own motif.
Well, have a Happy, Safe New Year... see you in Aught Nine!
Labels: contest_swag, holidaze
My Spirits?
Your Christmas Sprit Level: 20%
|
Your Christmas spirit is there, but it's very faint.
If you celebrate Christmas at all, it's only when you truly want to.
It's okay if you're not really into the whole Christmas thing. Don't worry about not having enough spirit.
Pushing yourself to do more will only turn you into a Grinch!
|
Why does this not surprise me? Well, at the very least, I'm at neutral this year rather than "how dare anyone be cheery and festive around me when I'm hating it" like the last two years (mourning will do that to you). I can listen to carols without tearing up or wanting to kill someone, but I'm not quite feeling the joy. It still feels like it's happening to someone else (Christmas). But that's OK. This is progress from last year. I'll take it.
I got an early present in the mail that made it better. I submitted a caption to
Chris' contest and won (Comment #35,
Caption #2)! There will be pictures but you'll have to wait until after the holidays. I have a lot of gifts left to wrap and unless something happens with the weather overnight, I'm headed to the relatives tomorrow.
So,
MERRY CHRISTMAS
to ALL! See you in a few days.
Labels: holidaze, quiz time
Belated Happy
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!
I'm thankful that I have friends who want to spend time with me and who are gracious enough to invite me into their homes. I'm thankful for the good food and laughter. I'm thankful for hominy casserole, sweet potatoes, and TURKEY.
I'm also thankful that I've found some answers this year. Just recently I stumbled upon a slim volume at the bookstore, improperly shelved in the wrong section (or
was it? coincidence?), and apparently waiting just for me. What I'm reading has opened my eyes to the truth about my relationship with my deceased parents, specifically with my Mother. To date, in the four days since cracking the spine on it, I have written 64 single-spaced pages in 12-point type in my journal (on the laptop) with no sign of it letting up. This is some serious purging and reframing, people.
All I can say about it right now is... there have been so many things about my life that confused me and to which I had no explanation. Suddenly, it all makes absolute sense. That sound you're hearing?
It's the pieces falling into place.
Be blessed this holiday season. Peace out.
Labels: breaking news, holidaze
Happy VD
I'm going to be different. Rather than references to medical issues, I would like to take this opportunity to point out what this day is REALLY about.
HAPPY VALIDATION DAY!!!
That's right.
Today is the day when others are required by H*llm*rk Law to provide tangible evidence that validates the importance of our existence in their lives.
The other "lesser" days set aside for this validation purpose are Birthdays, Anniversaries, and ChristmaKwanHukkah.
Therefore, I graciously validate that each and every one of my readers and friends is important to me.
In other news, I made a few adjustments to my sidebar. That horoscope feature was malfunctioning. It was talking about the week of September 2008 in the blurb next to my avatar, then when I linked over, it said something completely different. So I euthanized it. That I managed to do it without killing the avatar that
actually does look like me is a miracle. That I was able to convince the clock to play nice with it and share quarters is another miracle. The birthday cake was just too obnoxious having top hierarchy, so it got demoted.
What do you mean, I must not have any blog fodder? I have plenty of fodder. Just it's all personal, and none of it is appropriate for the blog. Sorry... you'll have to wait for the book to be published. Not that I'm publishing one. Maybe someday. I am keeping a journal of my fodder, however, and it has book potential. But no, don't get excited. Nobody has knocked on my door and offered to squeeze my ramblings between two sheets of pressboard.
Yet.
Happy VD, now go hug yourselves.
Labels: holidaze, nothing important
Final Countdown
Well, twenty aught seven is coming to a close and TWO THOUSAND GREAT is almost upon us. What are you doing tonight?
At this point, it's 9:04 PM and I have no plans to go out on the town. But who knows? That could change. I ran to the store earlier for cat food and a bottle of champers (champagne)—why not, eh? I might have to run out again for another gallon of milk as they are predicting a winter storm, 6-8 inches of snow, and though I have a gallon and a half in the fridge... better to be prepared, I say.
2007 was a definite improvement over 2006 and I'm excited about what life may bring in 2008. One of the podcasts I listen to regularly comes from Karen Linew,
Law of Attraction Tips. Karen also issues an email newsletter. The most recent issue included an exercise I found to be most interesting and that I plan to do tonight. I pulled this from the newsletter in case you wanted to try it for yourself:
WANT TO KICK IT UP A NOTCH THIS YEAR?
Every New Year's Day we (Karen and her husband) brush away the cobwebs in our heads if we've been out celebrating the night before and we get really excited about the upcoming year. We look forward to this day because it has helped us to create some simply amazing things.
Here's what we do:
- We talk about the incredible way our lives have changed for the positive in the past year and how thankful we are for all of it.
- We discuss our challenges but mostly focus on how we overcame those challenges and created a positive outcome.
- Next we chat about the things we have most appreciated about the year—whether it's been new relationships, new stuff or new personal achievements.
- Our discussion then moves to what we would like to see happen next. We talk about what we would like to achieve in our professional, health, fun, financial, home and spiritual portions of our life. (Note: we do 1-4 and 6 weekly as well)
- Our next step is to write down everything. We each have our own special books where we write all of this down. Each of these items is written in the present tense or in 'I Am' statements which are incredibly powerful.
- We then review the many shared items and talk about how exciting it is to have these things in our life. (We don't try to figure out how any of this will happen and we don't talk about how it will be orchestrated—this is a definite no-no!)
Remember, what you focus on is what you get, so if you want things to change—you cannot focus on what is—you'll only get more of that.
There you have it. Another of my personal gurus suggests writing a list of the things you want to be, do and have in the next 12 months, as if you already are, are doing, or have them, then put the list away until December 31, 2008. The key is to write them as if they are currently happening:
- I drive a dark red Dodge Ram 3500 with custom leather interior and a gooseneck towing package
- I transport my horses in a 3-horse slant-load gooseneck trailer
with a weekender package*
in the Sonoma Pottery Decor
- I am at the Parelli Center in Ocala, FL
with Cheerios doing the six-week intensive and having a blast
- I'm riding in a brand-new Parelli Fusion Saddle
- I am healthy and in great shape
- I just sold my house in Toledo for my list price
- I just sold the other property for the list price
- I am the sole winning MegaMillions jackpot ticketholder
- I am composing music soundtracks for meditation and affirmation CDs professionally
- I am writing a book
- I am a prosperity coach making $300,000 per year
You get the idea. ;-)
Be safe, be well, and see you next year!
*Weekender package: that's a horse trailer with the most minimal living quarters possible—a bed up in the "neck", a kitchenette, a foldout dining table for two, and a "cowboy shower" (shower stall with a toilet in the middle, a space saver). So's I can "camp" for six weeks and save on lodging. Of course... if I've won the lottery, would that really be an issue? LOL!
Labels: gratefulness, holidaze, Law of Attraction, positive thinking
Post-Holiday Wrap Up
All right, so I wound up going to visit the family after all.
It wasn't so bad.
In fact, it was far less eventful than I'd anticipated. The visit, that is. Getting there? A tad more eventful. No, everything is OK. But I was supposed to leave Sunday. I wasn't done wrapping. My car's windshield wipers went wonky again like they did on the trip to Omaha. The low tire light came on. We had severe high wind warnings. I postponed the trip until Monday.
Around 4 AM, I noticed an odd smell in the house. It was coming from the ceiling vents. Imagine opening up a brand-new vinyl shower curtain then heating it up. That's what it smelled like. It was enough to cause a mini-migraine.
I didn't get much sleep waiting for morning to arrive. The HVAC guy came quickly. After inspecting the furnace and crawling around in the attic, he vacuumed the unit and suggested I replace the filters (he was out of my size). He also took the optional air cleaner units away to be soaked (they were installed to help my mother's asthma).
Apparently furnace filters need to be replaced more often than once every three years or so.
I went to the hardware store on Christmas Eve day to buy furnace filters. Oh, joy.
Despite assurance that it was nothing more than that, I was somewhat uneasy about leaving, fearing I'd return to a smoldering pile of rubble where my house once stood. I decided that as long as my answering machine picked up, it meant the house was OK.
Around Columbus, I stopped for a burger and called my house.
No answer.
Ring ring ring ring ring.
Panic? Who me?
The friend caring for the cats had just gotten home from work. I called her. She drove right over there. House was OK.
Remember the answering machine malfunction from about two months ago?
Yup. It did it AGAIN. I swear. That thing is only a year old. (Today it was replaced with an all-in-one corded phone with answering device. From another company.)
My friend, whose nose is much more acute than mine, took a good whiff and said it smelled like old burning dust, not the scent of a potential electrical fire (which she'd had experience with in her lifetime). I relaxed and went on my way.
The house is fine. The smell is gone. All five felines are quite well, thanks. Just so you know.
The actual visit was fine, too. I'd neglected to factor in the Small Children Under Three aspect. Here I was basing my fears and trepidations on past experiences when it was just the adults with plenty of time to sit around drinking and grilling each other. Now there are toddlers. They take up the entire spotlight. Nobody focuses on anyone else's problems anymore because they are too busy trying to keep little hands off of dangerous things, and all the other stuff that goes along with that. What blessed relief!
It was also a startling relief to be at my sister's new house, because there were absolutely no associations to my parents this Christmas and therefore no overwhelming moments of sadness (no triggers). My parents never saw that house, never went to the niece's for the festivities—it was completely new except for the people involved.
I wasn't exactly brimming with Christmas Spirit, but I wasn't bah humbug either. I was, however, very glad to drive up and find my house exactly as I'd left it.
The trip made me realize a lot of things.
First of all, I'm not prepared to be responsible for a house like this. Dad took care of things so well that I never learned about things like where the main water shut off is, why furnaces smell like that, and so on. (You know how they teach Singles Survival in high school—how to read a lease, write checks, cook dinner? They should teach basic home maintenance and emergency preparedness, car care, and financial advice, too.) I have no idea what needs to be done to winterize the house, or spring maintenance, or how long a water heater lasts, or if I have to go down into the crawl space for any reason *shudder* and if so, what to look for and if not, who to call to do that. (And I'm a Kollidge Gradooit.)
Secondly, if I were away and an emergency arose at home, I am lost. I know my friend would whisk the cats to safety if she suspected danger, but... the cat carriers aren't accessible at night, she doesn't know where they are. I couldn't tell her where to find this or that paper (I know where it is, but it's not "filed"). There are certain things that can be duplicated while in existence but not replaced—right now, if the house... well, it would all be gone. My life. In a heartbeat.
I realized that I am paying for a storage unit. In that unit are things that I will "deal with later". The irony is that all of that stuff would be safe. The important stuff would be gone. Somehow that doesn't seem logical to me.
I realized that I need to prioritize differently. I need to prioritize getting this house in order, making sure the irreplaceable things are duplicated and the second set in a secure spot (at another location). I need to learn about seasonal and regular maintenance. I need to make some sort of loose plan. I need to put important things in writing (such as, in the event of the worst case scenario, here are my wishes for my cats, and so on).
I need to stop living my life on hold and in a holding pattern.
This was especially emphasized upon arrival at my sister's. I thought I'd be entering a nice new calm environment.
It was box central. It was JUST like the environment I'd just left a few hours ago. OK, I cut her some slack, she just moved in, but... I also know her. She's worse than me when it comes to procrastination. I predict, and really hope I'm wrong, that when I go for Xmas 2013, it will look pretty much the same. Cluttered, half-empty boxes stacked precariously everywhere, no place to sit... chaos. (At least I have entire rooms that are chaos-free.)
I also got a good look at personality traits I want to change. Am changing. Have changed, in some respects. The prevalent traits exhibited through their conversations are skepticism, victimization, and inferiority complexes. Skepticism: "Yeah, right, like that's ever gonna happen". Victimization: "We have no control over what happens—we can try to change it but it's mostly luck". Inferiority: "Forget it, because you don't have the right _______ (amount of money, talent, skill, age, weight, height, or other limitation) to make it happen".
There was one incident that underscored this. The day after, I was shopping at a deep discount store (it's a tradition) with the girls (the nieces who are close to my age) and one of their husbands before we all departed. One of my nieces is a very big girl—she's a 3X—and has been unsuccessful at losing any weight. The other was practically anorexic on her wedding day but has since been in a terrible car accident some years ago (that left her with nerve damage and back problems), produced a child, had a hysterectomy and has gained some weight over the past year. I'm heavier than I'd like to be, but I know I can change it.
I'd been in another department and found the girls exploring last summer's swimsuits. Big niece was looking through the one-pieces hoping to find one for her trip to Florida. Smaller niece was being helpful, pulling suits for Big Niece. I spied some two-pieces. As I reached for one, Smaller Niece looked up and said condescendingly, "Oh, Jeanne—*chuckle*—I think our days of bikinis are over, don't you? I doubt you can even get into a bikini anymore."
It didn't even bother me. I replied "Maybe for now, but I fully intend to be back in a bikini again." (Law of Attraction! At the same time, my brain said
won't she be surprised next year when she sees how skinny I am then?)She snorted and said "Good luck with that."
I said sincerely, "Thank you!" and smiled. And thought,
how sad for them that they think that way.Dead silence from the crew.
They had no idea how to respond to my unexpected reaction. They were expecting me to get defensive, or blast them, or some other reaction like I might've in the past.
I noticed how uncomfortable they were becoming. I let them stew for a bit, then diffused the situation with a joke (though I didn't
mean it because I didn't
believe it). I said "I can fit into a bikini... but I never said it would look good, ha ha".
I could get angry and say "what a bitch!" But I won't. Instead, I feel sad for her. Obviously she's very self-conscious about gaining weight, and is worried that she'll be as "powerless" to stop it as her sister (the Bigger Niece) has been. I'm sad because I know that BOTH of them have all the power within them to change anything about their lives that they dislike—but they don't know it—and even more sad, they are unwilling to see it or believe that it's possible. Their counter intentions are so firmly locked in.
Maybe when I've been blatantly and visibly successful at altering my own life, it'll serve as evidence to them of the possibilities in life, and maybe then they'll discover for themselves what I'm learning now. I know I could tell them, but it would fall on deaf ears. They need to SEE proof, not just hear about it. When I have visible results, I'll have the credibility they need, then they'll believe it.
Then, perhaps, they'll be inspired to try it for themselves.
Labels: family time, holidaze, Law of Attraction, musings, positive thinking, Xmas
The Day Before the Day Before Christmas
...and all through the house, not a creature was stirring...
Except for maybe the CatMom who still has a batch of cookies to bake, presents to wrap, laundry to fold, overnight bag to pack, and gifts to knit (!) before she can finally say....
moar
funny picturesLabels: holidaze, Xmas
The Point of Christmas
Christmas was my Dad's favorite holiday. He was the one who put up the tree, lit up the house and made sure everyone was happy. He played Santa. He carefully purchased and wrapped all of the presents. He encouraged us to attend Christmas Eve services and he loved the carols and hymns. He was more interested in giving and seeing everyone's faces light up than he was in receiving. He would repeatedly say "All I want for Christmas is for everyone to be happy."
Mother insisted upon gathering everyone together on Thanksgiving and Christmas--she placed such importance on gathering that anyone who couldn't make it felt terribly guilty (even if the reasons were valid). She was the glue that held this family together. Going to my sister's for Christmas was mandatory; coming to their house for Thanksgiving was mandatory. Visiting for Easter was sort of mandatory but not as important.
They're both gone now. They both left this mortal coil in 2006. The first set of holidays without them was surreal—there had been holidays when someone was absent; there were a couple of times I went to my sister's by myself, so it wasn't completely new.
This year is different.
This year, it's real.
This year, it's not a fluke that we aren't all together, it's not a fluke that my parents aren't with us. It's reality. They are gone. For this and every other holiday in the future, in the next 40 or so years I hopefully have left on this planet, my parents will
not be a part of the festivities.
Ever.
This year, it's sinking in.
Thanksgiving isn't as difficult because it is one day, it is about food, it is more flexible. Spending it with friends is nice.
Christmas, on the other hand, is torture.
Christmas is a holiday for which most people spend an entire month gearing up (some spend the entire year), on which enormous emphasis is placed, and bears overwhelming ramifications in the emotional/mental realms. It carries extraordinary significance. One can choose to "ignore" Valentine's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving and New Year's, but one cannot get away from Christmas.
Christmas is just plain everywhere. Every advertisement has a red and green happy jolly theme. It's Happy Honduh Days. Santa's image is plastered all over the place (shouldn't it be Jesus?). Radio stations switch formats for the month. Any store you enter has Xmas Muzak blasting through the halls. Christmas just oozes out of the woodwork onto the streets and into your face.
There is no such thing as Thanksgiving music. Memorial Day, July 4th, and Labor Day are billed as BBQ party fests. Those holidays are also distinctly American. Halloween is a fun kids holiday with orange and black. Valentine's Day is for lovers. New Year's is basically a booze fest, an excuse to buy a new calendar, and a day to resolve to make changes that are promptly forgotten about the other 364 days.
But Christmas... it's for the WORLD. (Yes, there is Hannukah, Kwanzaa and other religious fests occurring simultaneously, hence the "ban the HO" and the "Holiday/Family Tree" controversy, but we all know that the common assumption is that this is, was and always will be viewed as "Christmas" Season.) They light trees in Russia. Children in Australia look forward to Santa's arrival as eagerly as children in Bulgaria, the US, China, you name it. Churches celebrate the birth of Jesus globally. Everywhere, all around this planet, the perspective is family, religion, happiness, togetherness, kids, presents.
I can't seem to get away from it. The general feeling is if you opt not to put up a tree, lights or other display, then you are Bah Humbug and Something Is Wrong With You (unless you can claim religious differences).
Well, I'm not Bah Humbug. I still love Christmas. I just can't bear to celebrate it again. Yet. It's too connected with my parents. I see a tree in a window lit with a certain color combination of lights, and it slices into my heart because it reminds me of Dad's trees. I enter a store, I hear "Silver Bells" (my grandma's favorite carol) and I silently say to the Universe, "are ya trying to kill me?" and I have to go down an empty aisle and refocus until the tears that automatically sprung to my eyes have abated. Or "I'll Be Home For Christmas" or "Home for the Holidays"—which of course they never will be again. I can't watch commercials because they promote the familyness of it all, the sappy, saccharine sentimentality of homecoming and togetherness. And it just plain hurts like hell to realize that it has been lost to me forever. Christmas as I know it, knew it for 42 years, is gone. Over.
What nobody ever bothers to tell you is that losing your parents (or husband or kid or anyone else of significance) isn't just something that happens one day and then you get three days off for grieving and it's over with. Nobody ever tells you that losing your parents (or etc) is EVERY DAY. Nobody warns you that it will spring up unannounced in the most unexpected places at the most inopportune times. They die, you live, and you live with the changes in every activity, every thought, every holiday, every event, every moment in time because it is completely different. Unless of course you weren't close to them like I was.
Maybe those people are luckier. It's hard to say; because what I've had and lost, they've never had the chance to experience and maybe they missed out.
Whatever. My bond with mine was so strong that it permeated every aspect of my life, and life without them is tantamount to having lost a couple of limbs. It hurts. Far deeper and far more significantly than I ever imagined it would.
This year, because of the residual feelings and underlying resentments that developed during my parents' illnesses and following their deaths and the estate nonsense, the idea of gathering feels uncomfortable to me. The anticipation of warmth in the embrace of my loved ones is absent. Instead, I suspect tension and treading eggshells would be the primary atmosphere, coupled with watching words and carefully avoiding certain subjects. I ask you: would you want to attend a festivity which would require being on guard the entire time?
It doesn't help that my sister has moved (finally). Even the familiarity of going over the river and through the woods to my sister's old farmhouse in rural PA is gone. Now, the festivities are held at her younger daughter's house and includes grandchildren. There is no transitional bleedover. There was the time period of Christmas at the old farmhouse with me, sister, parents, and sister's daughters/hubbys, then Christmas in the nursing home in 2005, then Christmas at the younger niece's house with brand new grandchildren and no parents. It's that distinct, the break. My parents never got to spend even one holiday with their great-grandkids.
This year, I have no inclination to buy gifts. This year, because of the overwhelming amount of "stuff" I've been saddled with, I have no interest in obtaining MORE stuff, especially—no offense—stuff purchased by people who only sort of know me (therefore its usefulness to my life is questionable and since I only have room for incoming stuff of vital importance...) This year, we (meaning my remaining family members and myself) are all in that financial limbo before the floodgates open (my sister and I) or are flat broke due to circumstances and/or poor choices (my sister and her daughters)—so why "waste" money on gifts for each other?
Ah, to meet expectations. But... whose expectations? Mine? Theirs? Real or imagined?
This year, it seems pointless to me somehow to celebrate Christmas. Christmas in the sense of commercialism and family gatherings seems pointless without my parents' presence. I think I did it for them and because of them. I wonder if maybe we all did. I wonder if left to our own devices, to make our own choices, to opt out, if we would opt out? If we didn't feel this sense of obligation to our parents' expectations and wishes, would we even bother?
I think that for me, the best thing would be to ignore the commercialism. Bypass the expectations of gifts, of enforced family togetherness, of creating That Perfect Holiday. Refocus my vision on the true meaning of Christmas, the one that gets lost in the materialistic spendfest: the birth of a Saviour, the gratitude for all of the blessings we have received and are about to receive, and the promise of Peace On Earth, Goodwill Toward Men. Celebrate quietly, go to church for a change, and bask in my thankfulness for all that I have and in the glory of God.
Maybe I will find there a renewed sense of spirit, and maybe someday I will once again feel that anticipation. Maybe one day I will be blessed with the presence of someone special in my life again, and be able to build my own family and rediscover a reason to celebrate. Maybe not this year, but someday in the future, I'll be able to look at a tree that is lit with a certain color combination and smile... and remember my Dad's trees with happiness and gratitude and without immediate tears, and to realize that giving myself over to the Christmas celebration DOES have a point, even in the absence of my parents or the family that they left behind.
May you all experience much joy and be blessed during this holiday season. Love your family and say a prayer of thanks if those you love deepest are still among you and able to be with you. Remember that it's not about the gifts, or the tree, or how clean or well-decorated the house is: it's about love in its purest, most profound form and about exalting that love.
That's what I'm doing. As best as I can, I'm doing it.
Labels: family time, holidaze, musings, Xmas
Novocaine for the Brain
T-Day Phase I is complete.
He's right. She's a yawner. IF I were still in the competition, I'd feel quite confident that there
is no competition. She was nice. I was nice. We were both on our best behavior. I tried very very hard to find something about her to answer the question "why on earth did he hook up with her" and sadly, can find nothing to substantiate long-term prospects.
Let's be blunt.
Knowing him as well as I do, this particular female was never meant to go the distance. This one was only supposed to be a temporary relief from DSB*.
There were place cards at our seats. (Assigned seating for the first time ever.) They placed Current next to him. I was once removed with a grandmother between us. Hmm.
She did her best to scootch her chair as close to him as possible (MINE! said her body language—MINEMINEMINE). Possessive, aren't we? *smirk*
I refrained. I raised an eyebrow internally but remained in neutral. Complete neutral. It was fun to watch myself, too. I did my best to avoid egging her on. Oh, I could have. There is 14 years' worth of raw material—shared experiences, inside jokes, old memories, and then the little things that prove how down and dirty you know the other person (dislikes, habits, how they take their tea, and so on). Not to mention the natural rhythm that you fall into.
But I behaved.
Because I'm not interested in him anymore.
However. I am concerned that he makes the right choice for himself. And that I can stand her, because unless something unthinkable occurred, we're friends for life. I will always be around. Whomever we wind up with will have to accept that. We're like siblings. Sort of.
I will say this. I know one reason she's around. Oh, she's dull, plain, really not a remarkable person, but... she fits in with his family. I noticed this when she was helping his Mother clean up afterwards and I observed Current and J's Mother side by side from the back. Current is exactly the same height as J's Mom. Same body shape. Same hair color. Same movements. If her hair was straight and flat rather than nappy/curly, she could BE his mother. If her hair was as pretty as J's sister's is, they'd have the same hair (style, curliness). When they were face forward, Current and J's mom smile the same, have the same eyes—in fact, Current looks more like she could be J's sister than J's sister does!
She fits.
I never quite did. Though they liked me anyway. No, I'm too different. I'm tall. Brunette, green eyes, pretty. (Yes. I'm pretty. I know that. Even fat—er, fatter than I'd like to be, I'm pretty.) I'm wild. I have a nosering and a tattoo and my nail polish matches my hair. I ride horses. I knit and weave. I'm creative. I'm funny. I am animated, lively, a good conversationalist. Basically, I'm the opposite of Current.
She's nice. But she's wrong for him. He did wind up directing his conversations toward me more than her and we talked about music at great length. He didn't really converse with her. She tried to act all "married to him" but he didn't play along (although I noticed his mother did). She tried initiating body contact and he diverted. But it didn't seem to phase her.
At the end of the afternoon, after all the doggie bags were packed, goodbyes were said. She said politely that it was nice to
finally meet me. I said it was nice to meet her too. She said "I'm sure I'll be seeing you again someday".
I said "Probably".
My mind snorted and said to Current (in a voice only I could hear), "Don't bet on it, honey."
My mind felt sufficiently justified in telling me that when, on the way out, J snuck out the door, walked along side me and said "Oh my God she is so BORING." (pause) "You don't have to leave right away, we'll be back after we drop off Grandma and we'll probably play more games," he begged.
Sorry, J. You're on your own, you, your Mother, and her boring little clone. You picked her, you gotta live with it. Have fun. As for me, I'm off to Phase II—crap, I'm late—dinner with B and her family.
*snorting and chuckling the whole way home*
*DSB = Dangerous *ahem*
Backup, a serious condition found only in the male of the species when there is a substantial lack of, er, action for a long period of timeHappy eating, all.
Labels: holidaze
Niceties
Ah, yes, "niceties". These will be heavily in force as we enter the Hell That Is The Holiday Season.
Now, before you think I'm going all "bah, humbug", let me explain. I'm not anti-holidays. I'm anti-commercialization and anti-fake. If your good cheer is authentic, great! If you are focusing on the Reason for the Season and remembering the true meaning of Thanksgiving and Christmas, wonderful. It's the "BIG SALE STARTS AT 4 AM!!!" stuff that I'm opposed to. I mean, come ON.
FOUR in the morning? I thought 6-11 earlybird hours were bad enough but things have gotten completely out of hand. Although... I can see the benefits of moving from eating festivities to naptime to night out on the town to closing down the bars at 2 AM, fortifying one's drunken self with breakfast at an all-night diner (or an after-hours party), then being first in line for the shop-off two hours later.
Yeah. That's gonna work out great.Just think. Now people can get in a good four hours of shopping before arriving at work.
But I've derailed myself here. The subject is niceties. Not "Nice Ties" as in compliments to your Dad, but "niceties", those inane blatherings we must endure when trapped amongst our relatives or our friends and their relatives for several hours in the name of holiday celebration.
My tradition for 43 years was to be with my parents, sister, nieces, and later their spouses (and the occasional boyfriend of mine), noshing on turkey at my parents' home, drinking champagne, playing cards, and having laugh attacks (because we genuinely liked being with each other, or so I mistakenly thought). Parents dead, I'm the only one here, and the rest of them decided almost on the drive out of the cemetery last year that they were scattering to the winds. One comment was "gee, I don't have to worry about getting time off this year". (Sorry to cause
such an inconvenience for you... uh, how many thousands is it you plan to inherit?)
Last year, I reluctantly spent turkey day with my friend B and her family. Not reluctant because it was her family—reluctant because I was still fresh from losing Mom and not sure I was ready to upend my traditions. In other words, I really just wanted to crawl under the covers the day before Thanksgiving and hide until January 3rd. Just make it go away.
But it turned out to be OK after all, so I'm comfortable with repeating the pattern this year. With a twist. This year, I'll also be attending the festivities held by the family of my ex/bf J. Yeah. Not sure I can sum this up in a few sentences, but... we began dating in January 1993. Dated for about 2 years. Played in a band together (yeah, I know, but this time, I'd already been dating him for nearly a year before he begged me to sing for his band so it wasn't like oooh I hooked up with yet another one of my musicians) for 2.5 years. Broke up but stayed friends because we were the main writers of the band and to be honest, our friendship was far more developed than our romantic interests. So we cut out the romantic stuff and became strictly friends. ABSOLUTELY friends. No booty calls, no "just this once". End. Of. Story.
And, as I seem to have a habit of doing, we stayed friends. It's been 14 years now. I was always very open about my dating; he was less open. So I never knew about his gfs except what I gleaned from chats with his sister (also my friend) but I could always tell when he was involved because he'd drop off the face of the earth for a few weeks. Then I'd hear from him again as if nothing happened. But I blew it off as being busy because I do that, too, sometimes. Just drop out of sight for awhile and don't return calls right away.
One thing you need to know about his dating habits. We met through the music store. Since then, the only way he meets women is online. The ONLY way. He's not on Match.com looking for his one true love, though. Nope, he, uh... as I put it when I first learned of this years ago, he "trolls the internet picking up cybersluts". Then he quizzes them to make sure they pass the criteria (decent-looking, no kids, not looking for step-daddy or marriage) and if they do, he chats with them for a couple of weeks then meets them. If they "hit it off", he "dates" them for awhile (a few weeks) until "they lose their flavor".
He has, however, maintained that he really IS seeking true love. We've had many an argument over whether his actions align with what he says he wants (
they don't, IMHO). I think he's going about it wrong (
moves too fast, only in it for physical and I mean if the girl he's known for 10 days hasn't put out by the third in-person date, he drops her and moves on); he thinks I'm "too picky" (
because I've been celibate by choice for far too long, no thanks to Rocker Boy who decided at the wrong time to join me on that road, dammit) and that it's possible I'm "frigid". I assure you, I am anything BUT. I'm just capable of keeping it in my pants until someone WORTHWHILE shows up rather than thinking "
OMG it's been three months I must feed before I diiiieeeeeeee...."
Well. J got his dream job in Minneapolis. He'd been dating someone locally, though—she helped him move. She's talking about selling her house and moving to be with him. J feels differently. He expected that having 700 miles between them would allow it to end naturally (avoid confrontation) because he was bored with her but...
gee. She has money and she's so helpful, so... he's not doing much about it but she continues to maintain it on her own. Most of what I know came from the sister, but J finally opened up about ALL his ex/gfs once he'd safely moved to Minneapolis. (Odd, eh?)
(About 700 miles being an issue? All it did for me and Rocker Boy was bring us closer. 997 miles, now, that's another story. *sigh*)
J arrived in town Monday. We had lunch Tuesday. All he did was talk about how bored he is with this girl, how being away provided perspective he didn't have when he was around her all the time and he sees things he didn't see before (in a negative light). She never ever wears makeup or dresses up—doesn't even
try. He's big on the natural look and he's not a dressup kind of guy, but he says once in a while, you know, if the occasion calls for it, he can dress decently and he'd think she'd want to but she never does. And she's
nice. Calm. Never gets upset. Too easy.
His Mother and sister both think she's exactly what he needs—someone "level-headed, calm, down to earth to balance him out" rather than "overly dramatic" like some of his other exes (meaning me—and they LIKE me, if you can believe that). They want him to marry HER.
Personally I think both of us are wrong for him. He needs someone level-headed, calm and not as prone to emotional expression as I am (I'm a singer—I'm neurotic)—BUT he also needs someone who will challenge him intellectually, stimulate him in other ways (and with as much enthusiasm *cough nymphomania cough*), and stand up to him so that he's never bored.
I asked what he planned to do about her. J said he didn't know. Because where would he stay the rest of the week? (
Uh... your Mom is nice, she has a big empty house, and it's not like you have habits you have to hide or anything... and there is your sister... or your friends?) I pointed this out.
But... she's letting him use her car.
OH. Well, then... I told him I feel sorry for her because she is obviously head over heels for him (she even bought him a cell phone with a local number to ensure he'd keep calling) and is planning a future with him and he's ambivalent at best. He said he's not against
ever getting married to
someone in the future, but it damn sure won't be to HER. Except...
...it's tempting, because he'd be safe and comfortable for the rest of his life. Because she has a good job (in finance, in the boring sector thereof), her own house, he'd never have to worry about the bills being paid because she knows how to do all that...
I was aghast. A
guy telling me he was considering marrying someone safe simply to be taken care of?
I'm glad I'm not dating him anymore. It's OK to be friends with him, though. Different boundaries.
I told J, if you marry her, you'll get bored. Then you'll cheat. Just like your Dad did.
I struck a chord. But he wasn't mad. He was surprised at my honesty and insight. He agreed with me, too. Because Current GF reminds him an awful lot of his mother (who is perfectly nice but not challenging in the least).
Why am I telling you all of this? Because Current will be attending T-Day dinner tomorrow. Current has no idea that she's on the way out. Unless, of course, he took my suggestion to heart and did the only fair thing (break it off with her) and she opts out. Current knows all about me. Current totally supports (or at least doesn't fuss about) his friendship with me. Current let him have her car so he could meet me for lunch.
I know nothing about Current except her first name (which I had to pull teeth to get out of him), what she does for a living, what kind of car she drives, that she has a brother, that her parents live in town, and that she's short, quiet, and has "nappy" blonde hair. I don't know how old she is. I assume they met online. I assume the only reason she is still around is because she overlapped with his moving (see "700 miles makes dating a moot point", above) and because he has no shame in accepting whatever someone generously offers him. (He's not big on giving, though, that's why I dumped him.)
So. I'm a mixture of curiosity and a tad bit of dread. I feel sorry for her. If I were her, I'd feel all kinds of uncomfortable, being in the same room with the Ex That For Some Reason Is Still Around. It would be like dining with his ex-wife or something and having the family enjoying the ex-wife's company, all the inside jokes and stuff. Because I can't imagine she feels all that secure about him if she's clued in to his vibes. She invited him to her parents' holiday dinner and he flat out refused to go. What does that tell you? The way he described it, she's only going to his because she assumes she's invited. I was personally invited by J. In fact, he insisted I come. (As a friend. He attended several of ours as a friend long after we were done. They accepted him as part of the family and his family... vice versa.)
I'm also wondering if he's using my presence as an excuse not to go to her parents' if he needs one. Or if he's going to focus all his attention on me and ignore her to see if she gets the message. I don't have any idea how this is going to go down. It should be interesting. I just hope the poor girl survives it.
Then again, she may not even show up, if she happens to have gotten a clue in the past couple of days.
Y'know, as adamantly as he is about not having any intention of marrying her, he's also a path of least resistance kind of guy. I can see him dumping her, but I can also see her wearing him down until he weighs the options like a business deal, decides with a shrug that it might not be so bad to be a kept man, and marries her anyway. Not for love, mind you. The next chapter of that is him getting divorced (with a shrug) because she catches him cheating. He does not, as a rule, cheat. But he is deceptive. And if he were in a marriage and bored, I can see him going for just so long before he cheats.
Uh, he actually does have a lot of good qualities, too, just so you know.
So that'll be my day: noon with the J-Fam, dinner with the B-Fam. I'm taking Friday "off" from people.
But I'll close with my list of things for which I am thankful this year:
- every blessing that the Good Lord has bestowed upon me
- my cats
- my horses
- my friends (however insane they may be)
- that I had my parents for 43 years
- that I had a great relationship with my parents (overall)
- that I have a nice house in a safe neighborhood and it's mortgage-free
- that I'm still here and healthy *knock wood*
- all the "stuff" I have, even if I'm still unsure where it all fits
- that I have good food to eat, money to pay my bills, a decent car to drive
- that no matter how treacherous the future may look at times, I am, as I realized a couple of days ago, much better off financially and materially than my parents were at my age (and that's without a job, too, which is amazing)
- my talents, intelligence and skills
- that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL and the best is yet to come
I'm sure there is more, but that sums it up well. Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
Labels: gratefulness, holidaze, whines and rants
