Oh Deer Oh Deer Oh Deer

I wish I could get a photo of this, but I fear that it wouldn't take in the dark, and the flash might scare them away. Right now, there are three deer nestled beneath the trees outside my window. They're napping. As if they were in the woods.

I live in the suburbs. Old-growth trees, yes, but it's the burbs. My neighbor's house is about five feet away.

And there are three deer sleeping between us, mere feet from my window in the snow.

Magic.

Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 10:23 PM 1 comments

Out with 2009, In with 2010

So long, 2009, don't let the door hit ya in the @$$. 2010, good to meet you. I'm expecting you to be MUCH kinder and more interesting-in-a-good-way than last year was.

The year 2009 in review:

JANUARY

Key phrase:
...instead of focusing on the possibility of it, I shifted to focusing on making it happen.

FEBRUARY

Was really consumed with my new venture, the hand-dyed sock yarn shop. Spent the entire month daubing dye on yarn and stinking up the house with pickled sheep particles.

MARCH

Launched YARNDEAVORS. Sold some yarn.

APRIL

Just a bunch of random thoughts. It was a lovely spring.

MAY

Did a poetry exercise about how restless I was feeling. Read "Eat. Love. Pray." Played with GarageBand and taped my Parelli L2 rehearsals. Had a job interview (didn't get the job).

JUNE

Hmm. Ranted about telephone harassment from a collections company that wasn't even for me. A post about positive thinking. I had a birthday.

JULY

Passed Parelli Level Two Online! Helped put up about 200 bales of hay at the barn.

AUGUST

Began training several young horses at the barn. Sold Grandma's house for half of what I was hoping for, but finally ending that nightmare. Discovered the wide world of FaceBook and promptly got sucked into the games. Found out an older cousin of mine took her own life.

SEPTEMBER

Learned how to save a scorched pan. Sorted out property tax issues on the old house. Missed my blogiversary. Did a lot of horse training. Got a temporary part-time job doing phone surveys.

OCTOBER

Won the property tax deal. Secured us a huge refund. Only posted once due to being at work during my usual online time.

NOVEMBER

Remembered that I knit. Worked. Delved into Cat Bordhi's first book about sock innovation and promptly knit a Woven Ridge and a Coriolis. Played way too much FarmVille, YoVille, Cafe World, etc etc. Realized I fail NaNoWriMo every time because I am not a novelist, I am a journaler (as opposed to journalist). Developed vocal issues due to the job (after weeks of rest, it is finally clearing up). Experienced two Thanksgivings. Found out BGSU no longer has a fibers program, and BG will soon no longer have a fabric store. This is clearly a precursor to the apocalypse, IMHO. Whined about robo-calls. Again.

DECEMBER

One post, unless you count this one, and it was... a bit light.

Apparently, I've neglected my knitting and my blogging this year, and not very much happened to me that was at all interesting other than horse training and Yarndeavors. Which isn't always a bad thing. (Oh, Yarndeavors, uh, gee, I promise to remember you exist again...)

I struggled with poverty and self-sufficiency, until a miracle occurred and the estate FINALLY closed. I had a nice and very enlightening Christmas holiday with the family, and now it is the trailing edge of 2009 with 2010 in sight.

I'm looking forward to a brand-new year. At midnight, I'm pulling a Word of the Year out of a hat to serve as my intention for the year. Literally. I've printed out a list of words and as soon as this is posted, I'm slicing them into strips, folding them, putting them in a hat, and waiting until the ball drops. Then I'm kissing the cats on the lips, chugging some of last year's champagne, and letting the Universe tell me what I need most in 2010 when I stick my hand in the hat and pull out a word. My inspiration for this is Christine Kane, who blogged about the concept a few years ago and has revolutionized the resolution.

One word.

It's all you really need.

Have a safe, happy evening, and I will see you all next year.

Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 11:00 PM 0 comments

Up Dates

So, we sold grandma's house.

We finally had The Estate Chat.

We agreed. Well, I don't completely agree, but... when the lawyer refutes your arguments, what choice do you have (if you want to keep it out of court)? And so it is somewhat finished.

Oh, there are still checks to write, the deed to sign. But I have to address the other pressing issue first. The other house. It must be sold. No, not the one I "get"—the one I have the mortgage on that has sat vacant for three years and was pulled from the brink of foreclosure once and is now teetering there again because this Estate Cow Pucky took so Gol Durned long to finish up.

Funsies.

At least I have a semi-job. It's phone surveys. So if you're in the Northeast Ohio area, and someone calls you to do a brief healthcare study between the hours of 4-9 PM, it's probably me. Be kind. Even if you hang up on me, do it politely. Please.

Work time is interfering with my life, dudes.

I've had a revelation. I figured out how I wound up "here" rather than where I thought I'd be by now.

I didn't have concrete goals.

Because I had no concrete goals, I had nothing for anything to align with. So stuff just happened by default. I wasn't ON a self-defined path, I just sort of let the path define ME.

When I returned from my rock music pursuit in LA, I came home to "regroup". That meant return to base and start again. My idea was: save up money, get my musical moose pucky together, then go back armed and dangerous and rock the world.

My parents' idea of "regrouping" meant either: A—Get A Job or B—Go To School.

I chose B because it kept me from getting A Job (In Which I Might Be Trapped For Eternity And Have To Compromise My Rockin' Appearance) and I figured with a degree, I might be able to live better than most musicians while I pursued the dream. So I headed into academia.

Meanwhile, the 80s died, the 90s took over, music changed, and everything I dreamed of going back TO disappeared. When I finally emerged from beneath the textbooks and homework, I got my diploma and a rude awakening. There wasn't a music scene to go back to (that I liked, anyway). I was a bit lost.

Again, the parents said Get A Job. Well, I did, so I could save money, and prayed the music would return. I was also kind of in a relationship, so leaving wasn't as attractive at the time.

The minute I got the job, I moved, because living with my Mother was driving me IN. SANE.

Did I consider the consequences of renting an apartment, paying utilities, and buying my own food and gas?

NO. I just said, "OMG FINALLY I HAVE A WAY OUT TO FREEDOM" and bailed.

(Hey, wasn't the objective here to SAVE money? Uh, what part of "save money" did you miss when you up and moved out? Did you really think you could save money AND survive on your own on a $10/hour job?)

Then that job fell through, I bailed on the apartment, took a cheaper one despite the parental urging to come back home and regroup (again), and after a few fallow months and a handful of crap jobs, eventually got the next "real" job, where I stayed for the next few years.

And then I bought a house.

Why.

WHY OH WHY OH WHY DID I BUY A HOUSE?!?

Why? Because the nice townhouse in which I lived was next door to a family whom I discovered was not only selling heroin but participating in it, and I no longer felt safe. That, and everybody I knew was getting married, buying houses, and growing up. I felt left out, and jumped a few spaces on the game board of Life ("Pass Get Married, skip directly to Buy House") and sold my soul to the bank.

Y'know, I remember sitting in the Title Office with the pen poised above the line, and suddenly getting cold feet. Bigtime. Thinking, "I don't know if I really want to do this"—then thinking, "but I can't just walk out NOW, I mean, I'm at closing, I have the certified check ready, I mean... the movers are scheduled..."

So I signed, even though I wanted to bolt.

And here I am.

Shoulda listened to that instinct, instead of the boyfriend of the time and everyone else who told me it would be a "good investment".

Ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA.

I never, EVER, gave thought to the consequences of OWNING a house with a mortgage, or that it would be shackled to me until the day I could unload it, and that the blessing could become a burden and the obstacle to my dreams. I never thought about what if the market fell down, what if I lost my job, what if my parents died and the estate took three years to close and someone stole the pipes and insurance wouldn't fix it.

Nope. I always figured, if I ran into trouble, my parents will help me out, because they've always helped us. I never counted on them DYING on me. Especially dying on me before I'd gotten it figured out.

However, maybe I never would have tried to figure this all out if they were still alive. Maybe I'd be sitting in that house dawdling, twiddling my thumbs, goal-less, aimless, status quo. Maybe this is forcing me to man up and figure out what my goals really ARE now—be a rock star? Is that still valid? Well, maybe not so much. But there has to be SOME goal in here somewhere. Something that I really want to do, so badly that I can't stand myself until I'm in hot pursuit. Something that may be a little "unrealistic", but possible enough to make it worth a try.

And if I find that goal—no, WHEN I find it—maybe the stuff that hasn't found a place to fall into will suddenly begin to align, because it finally has something to align TO.

*****

Oh, fer cryin' out loud. My Blogiversary was the 11th. I've been doing this for three years and I actually missed my own Blogiversary. Yahhhh. Now you know how my brain is lately.

Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 7:13 PM 3 comments

Pull Up

Monday was my birthday. Whoo. I'm only owning up to 27. That was a good year.

It was a quiet celebration. A friend took me to Olive Garden (at my request) where I partook of the Grilled Steak Crustada with the four-cheese pasta, unlimited salad and breadsticks and Asiago-encrusted flatbread as seen on TV. I've been seeing the ads and just drooling.

I'm happy to say, it lived up to the hype. It tasted EXACTLY like I thought it would. YUMMY.

The soup (no leaves for me, remember?) was so filling I had leftovers of Crustada and pasta. Plus there was the Corona with Lime, and the after-dinner coffee. Their coffee is REALLY good, did you know that?

My sister blew my mind and sent a decent-sized check. Never saw that coming.

And I have a birthday coupon for a buy-one-get-one-free entree at Qdoba.

Birthdays rock.

I did not get the job I interviewed for a couple weeks ago. Oh, well. God has other plans. I applied in person at two places today, though. And there are more offerings in the paper (to which I've applied). I don't think it's time to apply for public assistance just yet or stand on the corner with a sign—something tells me SOMETHING is going to slip neatly into place IF I can stay focused on it, and ignore the discomfort that is trying to distract me.

If you've read Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Joe Vitale or the other Law of Attraction (LOA) gurus, you know what I'm talking about. That pre-manifestation energy shift that causes discomfort within us, and that exhibits as impatience, anxiety, doubt, fear, hopelessness, desperation?

Yeah. That. It's just the signal that the energy is shifting to make way for the manifestation of your outcome, but we misread it and redirect our thoughts away from the goal and onto the emotion that's coming up. Then we derail the manifestation.

That's why people say, "I set all these intentions and did countless affirmations, but this LOA Shiitake doesn't work." It works. But only when we figure out the trick to it.

I've figured out the trick.

Plug my ears and go "LALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU" to all the doubts and fears that try to rise up in me when I'm not paying attention, and stay focused on MY desired outcome.

I have two analogies. One is like breathing through labor pains, which I've never experienced, but I had bad enough cramps that I can relate. The other comes from personal experience.

When Wildflower was still alive, and I was still a bit nervous about riding balls-out fast, we used to go trail riding and whenever it got too fast, I'd panic and pull her up short. Such a tolerant horse, she just sighed and put up with me.

One time, I was out with a bunch of friends, and one wanted to break off and "cowboy" through the woods—go fast. I went with her. We got up to a canter. Then, gradually, we sped up until we were galloping—or cantering PDQ. Faster than I was used to.

This was the point where I'd normally get a thrill of panic and pull her up. But on this day, I didn't. I rode through the fear. I knew I was safe with her. So, I breathed deeply. I acknowledged the panic rising, the adrenaline rush. I kept breathing, focusing on my balance and staying in rhythm with her as she chugged along, hooves pounding the forest floor, wind buffeting my ears. At the peak moment when every fiber of my being was screaming out PULL UP PULL UP—

I pushed my hands forward so I wouldn't pull her up. It peaked—the adrenaline rush was almost more than I could stand to experience—

Then suddenly, that feeling was behind me. It was like I'd broken through an invisible wall. All that remained was this exhiliarating feeling of hyper-awareness and joy. Freedom like I'd never experienced. I reveled in it as we continued to gallop along. Then my horse ran out of steam, and gradually dropped to a canter, then a trot, then we caught up to my friend and paused for a breather.

It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

And dealing with manifestation is like that. The adrenaline wall is like the misinterpreted emotions of fear, doubt, hopelessness and impatience that come when you begin to wonder, what is taking this so long? Why isn't it happening? Asking these questions creates resistance, which derails the manifestation. It actually repels it. The moment you say, "why isn't it here yet?", it stops coming to you. Even if it is RIGHTHEREABOUTTOMANIFEST. It just veers off to the side like a dog that charges you then gets distracted at the last moment.

To conquer it requires staying focused on the goal, rather than the emotions—firmly refocusing on the goal if necessary—and to recognize the emotions for what they are: the signal saying, hang on, it's coming. The manifestation is developing.

The energy of it starts small and rises to a deafening crescendo that peaks right before it manifests visibly.

That energy crescendo is what we sense, and IT is the cause of the feeling inside we identify falsely as discomfort.

It's not. If anything, it should excite us to feel this, once we recognize what it is. And if we recognize this, and ride it out even as every fiber of our being is screaming, PULL UP, PULL UP, stop the feeling from coming any closer... THEN we get over the hump and achieve our wildest dreams.

Let's watch and see what the next few days brings, shall we? ;-)

Labels: breaking news, horses, Law of Attraction, musings

posted by Jeanne @ 6:26 PM 3 comments

FORMER President Bush

Ahhh.

Sweeter words were never spoken. FORMER President Bush. That's all I have to say about that.

Watching PRESIDENT Obama's Inauguration was inspiring. I think I know why I like him so much—there is something about his quiet soft-spoken confidence and the manner in which he speaks that reminds me of my Dad—calm, reassuring, intelligent, certain.

Obama thinks before speaking rather than opening his mouth and rambling just to fill space while he reaches for an answer. My Dad was like that. I'd ask a question of a somewhat serious nature, and we'd all just wait. Dad would shift slightly in his seat, clear his throat, maybe take a carefully measured sip of his drink while considering the question.

Just about the time my Mother would begin to squirm (she was the impatient one, "just TALK, Stewart!!"), my Dad would lift one finger in the air (signaling us to hold on one moment). Then he'd utter the non-committal noise—ah-heh.... mm—that we all knew was the prelude to the short, succinct bit of wisdom that was about to emerge.

Then, using words as carefully measured as the sip of the drink he'd previously taken, Dad would calmly and quietly answer. The way he spoke, you could feel the punctuation mark at the end. And usually you came away reassured and wiser for it.

My Dad was a man of few words, but what words he did offer were worth their weight in gold. He was a man whose mere presence in the background provided security and the reassurance that everything was all right and would continue to be.

He was a man of certainty, conviction to his cause, and held a quiet confidence in the face of all storms.

Obama reminds me a lot of my very pale but ruddy, blue-eyed Scottish-German father, and that's a very good thing.

Welcome to the Obamanation.

Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 1:14 PM 2 comments

Waiting for Certainty

A good friend of mine moved out of state in 2007 to take his dream job. I was so happy for him. He'd proven the naysayers wrong; he actually CAN make a living doing what he loves, even if it was by working for another company rather than starting his own (which is his real job).

Last night, he called to let me know the company, which had grown a bit too ambitiously, was now downsizing and, as it happens, last in, first out—so he was laid off. He's also on his way back "home" in the next month or so.

Now. At this point, many people would freak out. OMG, job loss, dream job to boot. Moaning, wailing, feeling like a failure should ensue.

But we both see it differently. It's a good thing. It will, in the long run and retrospect, prove to have been a necessary step along the path.

Before Dream Job, he was a geek with a dream but no idea of how to really make it "work" in the real world. The Dream Job was a brave move for starters, because he had to upend his life, leave his comfort zone behind, and move to a strange city many miles away where he knew no one. Then he spent the next 18 months in what could be viewed as a sort of paid internship in his chosen industry. It's a specialized field, hard to get into, and he was pretty much stunned to find out he could get hired in the first place. (I wasn't; I knew he had the talent.)

While he was working at Dream Job, he got a first-hand look at how to run a business like that, what to do and what not to do, how the flow cycle works, and how to vend products at the annual industry convention. He basically lived a Year In The Life in that business, and learned what he needed to know to be able to do it himself.

Now, he's a geek with a dream AND the knowledge to back it up. He has credibility and contacts and a firm foundation off of which to build. Because of severance pay and unemployment benefits, he has the window of opportunity to make the REAL dream a reality (producing this product himself). Done right, within a year, he won’t need A Job because he will BE the job. He will be established within this field on his own. That’s IF he uses the opportunity, and IF those who still don’t believe in it back off and let him DO it. Or help, if they can.

We were discussing it, and we can both see very clearly how this factors into the path he's chosen. We both see it as happening exactly as it should.

But it's gotten my mind working in directions it shouldn't. Why is it that I can see these sorts of things clearly for OTHERS... but not for myself? How can I see how the pieces fit and see another's path unfolding... and be so clouded about my own?

For I feel as though I've been on hold forever—waiting for something to "break", to give, to heave over. I've felt like I'm on the brink of something big for a very long time... except... lately I've begun to wonder if the Universe got distracted elsewhere and forgot about me. Little things happen and I think, "OK, finally this is all unsticking, finally it's loosening up and beginning to move in a positive upward direction", then... it falls back to stagnant nothingness again.

And I wait some more.

And I have no idea what I'm supposed to be DOING, if anything, in the meantime. And that really frustrates me. And it worries me, because I have (or had in the past) the tendency to ditch my own wagon in favor of hitching up to someone else's because THEIR vision is clear, THEIR ambition is solid, and THEY have a better chance of bringing it to fruition whereas MY vision is cloudly, MY ambition wavers, and I don't feel I have much of a chance at all.

My friend will need my design skills to move his dream forward. I can do this for him. But I'm running the risk of becoming entangled in another person's wagon train when I'm so close to setting out on my own journey. I'm close—I can feel it. I think. But... I don't want to BE a designer anymore. Truth be told, it wasn't my dream in the first place—it was a compromise between what I could study that had job potential at the end (to appease my Mother) and what is creative enough that I won't go crazy doing it for a few years (while I got my music career going, which was the idea).

I don't want to be a designer... but I haven't quite defined FOR CERTAIN what I want to be if I'm not. I've mulled over some possibilities: horsemanship instructor, professor, writer, musician (again), among other things. But I've not been able to stay focused long enough that I know it's gonna stick.

I can help him for a time... but I'll be running the risk of getting too comfortable and once more trading in my own dreams (however vague) for his.

And it pisses me off that I can clearly see how it's all going to work out for him; but I can't begin to get one iota of insight about my own visions. How can I "make it happen"... if I'm not even sure what it is that should be happening?

*****

For months, I've been feeling like there is ONE THOUGHT that I must change, and upon changing it, it will unlock and unblock everything for me. Like if I can just figure out which thought I've been thinking the wrong way, and change it to think the right or better way... trumpets will sound, cheers will go up, the sun will break through the clouds, and doors previously closed to me both in my mind and otherwise will fling themselves open to welcome me.

One thought.

But WHICH thought?

---

Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 6:39 PM 2 comments

Make It Happen

I know what I’ve been overlooking all this time. I’ve seen behind the door that my brain was shielding from me, and I know what I am. It’s all good. But what I am isn't the important part.

What really knocked my socks off is this.

All this time, I’ve focused on possibility. I’ve asked the Universe, “please—make it possible for me to go to school in 2009”... “make it possible to sell the houses and close the estate”... "make it possible for me to move on".

Note the phrase, “make it possible”.

The Universe has answered, of course. It has shown me through example that it is INDEED possible.

Yet, nothing was changing.

Nothing was happening.

Oh, DUH, I thought, as this was revealed to me in meditation today.

What I should have been asking was, “make it happen”.

Note the SLIGHT variation on the phrase, and the critical word shift. Note how it totally changes the meaning of the phrase.

Please—make it happen for me to go to school in 2009
Make it happen—sell the houses and close the estate
Make it happen for me to move on

That’s the part about my successful past manifestations I wasn’t able to see before. Several times, while at the old barn, I thought, I need to find a Parelli-friendly barn where my other special-needs horse will be cared for the way I want her to be. I wondered if it were possible. I asked for it to be possible. I discovered that it was. There were barns all over the country that were Parelli-friendly or Parelli-centered, where AANHCP natural hoofcare was practiced and/or supported. But I found no barns near me that were centered that way.

Then one day, my situation at the old barn changed, and a move was imminent to protect my horses. I realized I had to find that barn.

I had to make it happen.

Once I decided that it had to happen, that I had to find that barn and move those horses, IT DID happen. Within 24 hours, I HAD THE BARN. Within 72 hours, the horses were relocated.

Before that: after the fall from my horse that terrified me, I'd examined my priorities and realized having another horse better suited to me might be helpful. I knew it was possible to find a better-suited horse. Once I’d decided I needed to find a partner to help me over the Cheerios fear, I made it happen and found the Late Great Wildflower. Then, I’d not only realized it was possible to take my horse to a clinic and get help, I’d decided that one day, I would make it happen.

Within hours of buying Wildflower and bringing her home to the boarding barn, a spot opened up in a sold-out Level One clinic; the 12 people in front of me on the waiting list all declined the spot; and I found out that the girl from my barn who had trailered Wildflower home for me was going to the Level Two clinic right after mine, and offered to take us! Bam, bam, bam. Make it happen? I'd say so. Ten days after buying my new partner, we were on our way to the clinic I thought would be years away.

And then I needed to find a way to hold onto Cheerios... such as leasing him out to the right person for awhile to offset board and keep him busy. So I made it happen. The leaser appeared one day, and so it went for three wonderful years—just enough time to get me to the point of being more savvy for Cheerios. Funny how that all worked out.

All because instead of focusing on the possibility of it, I shifted to focusing on making it happen.

Why has this been so elusive all this time? Right there in front of me! The key to the whole smucking thing!

What we focus on, expands, right? So... Focus on the possibility of something, you’ll get more evidence of the possibility. But possibility is a concept, not an action. Focus on having something HAPPEN, and something WILL HAPPEN.

Yes, it is possible to sell Grandma's house for a cash offer of $100,000 within the next week. Plenty of homes are selling for all kinds of prices, regardless of what the "economy" or "market" indicates. And if I continue to focus on the possibility of it, that is what I will get: more evidence of possibility without action.

If I want to see it manifest, I must change one word. Change “possibility” to “happen”.

It’s already possible, make it HAPPEN. Focus on the happening of it.

Therefore, I hereby declare:

I know that it is POSSIBLE for me to have the money to attend college this semester—I’ve decided that the Universe is now making it HAPPEN. It’s possible to sell Grandma's house for $100,000 cash within 24 hours—I hereby declare that the Universe MAKE IT HAPPEN. Make it happen, NOW. Thank you in advance, Universe, I am ever grateful that this has been made to happen.

Smuck possibility. Make it SO, Number One!

---

Labels: breaking news, Law of Attraction, musings

posted by Jeanne @ 5:29 PM 3 comments

Casting an Intention

OK, it's not exactly knitting, but it is casting on in a way. I hereby declare my intentions (and you have no idea how long it has taken me to craft these sentences in a way that they say what I mean, without one negative suggestion whatsoever!):

In my ideal financial scenario, I am able to do absolutely whatever the heck I feel like doing, whenever I feel like doing it, and the money continues to roll in every month, come what may.

My American dream is to have the freedom to do what I choose, when I choose to do it, with complete reassurance about my finances.

Yep. I had to eliminate perfectly innocuous phrases such as "with no worries", or "no matter what happens", and kill off lack words like "want". But I think I've nailed it this time.

You know, I've been having some pretty far-out insights hit me during that between sleeping and waking consciousness level and one of them is that everything IS possible. It is all right there in front of us, but we can't see ALL of it.

We have filters that allow us to see only that which we've programmed ourselves to be aware of—because if we didn't, we'd be bombarded with information and our brains would fry.

Filters allow us to become aware of things that align with our programming (which is based on what we grew up with, or later what we consciously choose to focus upon). Like when you buy a pink VW bug and suddenly you notice there are a ton of them out there, or you decide you love a certain color and it's the season's big fashion trend. It was always there—you just didn't have your filters programmed to allow it into your awareness.

So if you look around and all you see is a lousy economy, crappy housing market, and things to complain about, you've just set your filters to be aware of these things and to filter OUT signs of economic growth, positive shifts in the housing market, and things to be grateful for (like $1.39 gas, whoo-hoo!). It's all about semantics, and what you're telling yourself.

I've decided to tell myself I'm a multimillionaire, that I have all the money I could ever want or need, and that it comes to me easily. I'm setting my phasers on stun, and my filters to economic prosperity.

How about you?

By the way, it works the same way with everything. For example, if you think it's impossible to get a pill down a cat's throat and still keep your skin intact, then it will be. But if you think that it's really pretty simple, just irritate the cat enough that he hisses and snarls and learn to time the pill toss with the unhinging of the jaws then clamp down until he swallows, you'll be successful every time. ;-)

---

Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 6:27 PM 4 comments

Blithering

Imagine that. I pilled the cat last night without incident. I have Pill Savvy.

I don't even think Jake remembers Monday anymore. It's amazing how fast cats heal.

Did you know that passive-aggressive behaviors are one of the many coping mechanisms used by children raised by a parent with Borderline Personality Disorder? Neither did I, until I began reading this book. I wasn't even sure what passive aggressive behavior meant until I read this description ["Surviving A Borderline Parent", p. 91]:

Another example of the passive-aggressive coping mechanism is the person who smiles and says, "No, really, I'm not angry about the situation." A couple of days later, when his wife asks him to fix her closet door, he says he will. Two weeks later, it's still not done.

1:00 PM: Sure, Mom, I'll take the dishes out.

2:00 PM: Yeah, I'll get to it.

4:00 PM: I said I'd do it!

6:00 PM: Geezus, Mother, can't you see I'm busy reading? (Disassociating) I'll do it in a minute.

Maybe what everyone labeled as "procrastination" was really just my being passive-aggressive as a way to try to control my life a little. Because when situations don't involve authority figures pressuring me, being on time or doing the job isn't an issue at all.

Something to consider.

Time for Private Practice...

---

Labels: BPD, cats, family time, musings

posted by Jeanne @ 8:48 PM 2 comments

To Anonymous

Oh, I might be setting myself up in the line of fire for this, but I really hope it's read with the right intention in mind because it is meant to help. That said, here goes... [donning flame-retardant suit]

I welcome everyone's opinions, I really do, because I'm a philosopher at heart and I enjoy debating things as long as it's done with respect. So it was great to have a few weigh in on the last post. I especially like it when people have the courage to own their opinions.

And then there are those who, for whatever reason, will not own their opinion, possibly for fear of being attacked over it. Understandable. However, I would hope that anyone who reads my blog would feel safe enough to express it. I'm really quite harmless. :-)

But sometimes I see or hear things that trouble me and cry out for a response. This is one of those times.

My dear Anonymous, whomever you are... you wrote:

I just hope this change doesn't cause my husband to have to close his business when the tax increases start hitting.

Well, I hope your husband doesn't have to close his business, either. I really hope he continues to be successful. I'd be surprised, however, if a business fails solely on the basis of an increase in taxes. Failure is never attributable to one factor; it usually takes a multiple of factors to contribute to something as monumental as a complete business shutdown.

So I really wouldn't worry about it that much. The man going into the White House in 75 days is smart enough to take into account the other components of the economic equation. The 30% uniform tax being proposed would only be an issue if all other components remain the same as they are right now. Yes. That would be a problem. If wages remain low, joblessness continues, prices for common things like milk and gas skyrocket again—yes. But as previously stated, Obama is smart. He has wise counsel. If taxes are adjusted AND more jobs are available AND the cost of living improves AND wages improve, we really won't notice the 30% that much. It's a fair trade off for an overall enormous improvement across the board.

And no, I'm NOT currently a member of the wealthy untouchables (were I...). I've actually been having a pretty rotten year financially speaking, but it's finally on the upswing, and I see HOPE for the first time in two years.

I am also a firm believer, with first-hand evidence, that what we focus on is what we get—so I'm sorry to say it would not surprise me if you did come back with reports of the business failing. Not because Obama is in the House, not because of tax increases—if it fails it is based on mindset.

I'm sure you'll find this offensive, for which I apologize, as that is not my intent. My intent is to teach a principle I've learned myself this past year that could really help prevent the very experience you fear. Having been in the hot seat myself, I know it's difficult to face the truth when you learn that you and you alone are responsible for your state of affairs. YOU are wholly responsible for what you experience. NOBODY ELSE is to blame, and nothing else is to blame. Not taxes, not the government, not your job, your spouse, your kids, your mother-in-law, your drinking problem, your hangnails, your dog, your school system, the weather, the neighbors up the road, the auto manufacturers, global warming—YOU.

What you think, you get. What you believe, you'll manifest. To me, it sounds as if you have already decided that your husband's business will fail, and you've chosen a possible future event as the culprit to blame it on. If that is what you choose to carry in your thoughts and envision as the end result of the election, then I'm so sorry. Not that Obama won, but that you opted to make that particular thought choice when it would have been just as easy to say,

"OK... some folks think this Obama tax increase is going to kill their business... too bad for them. I'm opting out."

It's like what Jack Canfield (author, Chicken Soup series and the Success Principles) says. "I hear there's a recession but I've decided not to participate".

I'll pray for you and your husband, and pray that your business thrives regardless of the changes afoot. I'm sorry I had to put this out in public, but I don't know who you are... you had a choice, you could have left your name, but you chose to remain Anonymous.

Labels: election08, musings

posted by Jeanne @ 11:52 PM 5 comments

The End of The End (A New Beginning)

All right. Is two years a long enough mourning period? Is one year the typical amount? Then I doubled it to accommodate two parental losses within four months, and since Mother went last and today marks two years since her demise, I'm done, right?

As of 11:42 AM, I'm officially done. Out of mourning. Finished with the Black Period. Through with being in a lifeless limbo.

My life must go on now. I love my parents, I miss them every day, but I cannot continue playing the role of "that poor girl who lost both of her parents four months apart, so sad". I cannot continue living in the limbo of inheritances that have yet to materialize, of estates that languish and lollygag around, of waiting for things to fall into place before making crucial life decisions, of time standing immortally frozen in a house that still resembles a storage unit/memorial.

My role is being redefined.

Who am I now?

I'll let you know as I figure it out.

Mother, please rest in peace now, along with Dad, knowing that I am safe, learning to be happy, and will eternally hold you both in my heart. Until we meet on the other side...

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Labels: estate nonsense, family time, musings

posted by Jeanne @ 8:51 PM 4 comments

Forgetting and Finding

There are times when I forget.

I forget that my parents have died. I forget they even existed. I forget the current circumstances, financial and otherwise. I forget the fears, the anxieties, the worries. I forget what year—what decade—it is. I forget my own age.

I don't mean "forget" in an amnesia, Alzheimer's or senility sense—rather, it's like I lose touch with all of it for awhile. It ceases to exist. My focus shifts to the moment.

Usually the shift occurs when I am writing music and recording new songs, or playing with my horse. (Once in awhile I'll get lost in a chore like trimming bushes and kind of get there.) For that moment, all is right with the world. Nothing bad exists. Life is AMAZING. Wonderful. Peaceful. Perfect. I'm... somewhere else. Not sure where. SomeWHEN else... not sure when. All I know is, I'm somewhere and somewhen in which all possibility exists again, when life is easily and effortlessly sustained, when all is well, where I am happy and filled with joy, where I am safe.

In these moments, I am OK. Life is OK.

It is startling and painful beyond words to come out of it, look around, and be slapped with the reminder that it isn't OK at all (according to what we term general "rational" thought).

But I wonder—IS it really not OK? If I CAN be, in those moments, OK and full of possibility and optimism—is it possible that if I can stay focused on how I feel in THOSE moments, perhaps I can wind my way back around to a place where reality (externality) aligns with and matches consciousness (internality) as it is in THOSE moments?

Does the external create the internal... or is it the other way around? Does the external physical "reality" take shape AFTER the thoughts and feelings have occurred, rather than occurring as an event that results in how we think/feel? Is our current "reality"—that is, what we see and experience—simply a mirror image reflection of the current condition of what we're going through on the inside?

Which came first—physical chaos, or internal chaos?

As you know, I've been studying the LOA for a good year as well as the Bible recently. Much of the philosophy teaches that in order to change our lives, we must know the desired end result/outcome/new reality first. Then, it is altered by dredging up, identifying and changing limiting beliefs; or by changing how you think about/perceive something; or by generating positive feelings (emotions) toward what you want (the result). Supposedly this all leads to bringing oneself into alignment with the desired outcome which produces actions and insights to guide us there.

Apparently, once this is accomplished, the soul is happier.

But I'm beginning to think they're all missing something. I've recently begun Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" and it's opened up an awareness in me.

I think change begins with the soul.

It's the core of our being. It IS our being. It is the awareness that precedes thought, feeling, belief.

This is what I see happening in my life: I work on changing beliefs. I take actions designed to fix things. If the problem is "need money", I take actions to change that: get a job (in the band), sell stuff. It starts out great, then it subsequently collapses. EVERY TIME. I have a house to sell, it burns. I have stuff to sell, nobody buys it. I look for jobs, there are none. I apply to jobs when I find them, then don't get hired. I get a job, I get fired before I even get settled in. I trim something, it grows back like a cancer.

All of these things sort of work (changing limiting beliefs, feelings, thought processes) or they work partway, but they don't stick.

This insight came to me before starting Tolle—what struck me profoundly was looking at the living room mess. The boxes. It began two years ago when I moved in. Sudden chaos entered. Then slowly I addressed it and carted it out. It got moved into storage. Things became cleaner. Then... it collapsed. Imploded. No longer able to afford storage, everything came back. Now, it's worse than before.

And it occurred to me that the mess I see, the chaotic disorganized scattered clutter before me, is much the way I feel inside. I looked at the circumstances of my life, and it startled me to see that they basically mirror everything going on inside of me. My life is chaotic? I am chaotic inside! There is no focus to my life? There is no focus to me! I've lost my vision for my life, my dream, my very sense of self (the ego, as Tolle would say).

The things that I used to identify myself (ego again) have all been taken from me (or could soon be): parents, independence, job, dream/vision, material things, money... it's all been in a sort of free-fall collapse since 2006 and my attempts to prevent or restore things have failed. It's gotten to the point where all I can do is stand by helplessly and watch because anything I try to do will only make it worse, or make such a small dent that it'll quickly be undone.

It's been CYA time. Cover Your A$$. It's been like being on a plane that's crashing. You have no control anymore. All you can do is tuck your head down and kiss your @$$ goodbye, and pray for a softer landing than you're anticipating.

Except in those moments when I forget. Those blissful moments when I forget I'm even on the plane.

Feng Shui would tell you that by changing your environment you change YOU. The LOA says change begins with thought, feeling and beliefs. But neither has had a lasting effect.

I think it's because although I've taken steps toward change, I've not gone deep enough.

I think it's because at the core, my SOUL is what needs to be fixed. I think—feel, believe, intuit, am aware that—if the cracks in my soul get fixed, the world will right itself accordingly.

Let me repeat a sentence, slightly altered with this new perspective in mind:

Is our current "reality"—that is, what we see and experience—simply a mirror image reflection of the current condition of our soul?

I think we can become soul-sick. I'm only just starting Tolle, so maybe this is where he winds up going, too. We'll see. But my insight is this: if the soul is our foundation, all the other stuff is basically surface. By changing thoughts, feelings, beliefs and actions, we're doing patch-up work and putting band-aids on the real problem. But if we address the foundation and change IT...

Perhaps the process of change moves more like this:
soul --> thought --> belief --> feeling --> action --> result/reality

As I've delved more deeply into my spiritual journey, I've noticed that I've developed more inner peace, less stress, the ability to laugh in the face of enormous catastrophes, and I've begun writing more songs. The more I write and record... the more improvements are occurring in my life. The improvements are small in comparison to the entire circumstance (such as finding out from the photos that the fire damage is nowhere near as bad as what other people's descriptions had me envisioning), but it seems that those moments of being "lost" are very significant in the ability to attract better outcomes.

Perhaps in those forgetful moments where I think of myself as "lost" in relation to the world, instead I am truly "found". Perhaps in those moments, I am connecting with—and healing—my soul.

Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 3:48 PM 0 comments

Desperation Point

Remember way back last year when I needed to move my horses to a safer barn?

No, they are still there, but it got me thinking... I'd been wanting to move them for months, and had half-heartedly looked for new barns, but found none to my liking. I knew what I wanted in a barn—naturally-inclined so I could do my PNH out in the open, someone who'd feed my diet rather than theirs, and so on. I had very little hope of finding that barn. So, we stayed, and I fretted.

Then suddenly it became imperative that we move, and move NOW. Within 24 hours, the very barn I wanted appeared out of nowhere.

So what was different?

I think I've figured it out, and Wayne Dyer confirmed it.

Desperation is a killer. It is extreme yearning and lack, and it has a nasty vibe that pushes away the very thing you desire to attract. But sometimes we find ourselves in situations that are desperate. How does one let go of that feeling, especially in a life-or-death scenario?

Doesn't it seem like the moment you no longer want something, it magically appears? Law of Attractionists have been saying that for years—let go of the desire and desperation and be OK with any outcome and it will manifest.

Yeah. Easy for you to say, eh? No, I'm fine with having no money for food, sure I am, says the poor man.

The letting go method is what I call the "Doesn't Matter" method. It doesn't matter if it happens or not, I'm OK either way.

The odd thing is, I realized that Desperation also has a bit of "I'm OK" in it. I'm panicking because if things don't change soon, I'll be done for, but I'm still kinda OK... for the moment.

That's what I'm talking about. It's the juxtaposition of "I'm kind of OK but I'm really not OMG HELP" that causes the problems.

But when you are in the middle of Desperation, it's very hard to get to Nahhh, I'm OK either way.

Today I realized there is a third option. Determination. That's what I invoked the day we found the new barn. I went from this isn't good but I guess we're still OK for now to we are absolutely NOT OK anymore, it is time to move and we are moving NOW and that is THAT.

I was absolutely, 100% determined that we were moving right away and there was no room for a single question in my mind.

Not long after having this revelation, I resumed reading Wayne Dyer's "Real Magic" and there it was, a few pages ahead. He says, and I paraphrase,

instead of wishing and hoping, get into the active language of intention. Rather than saying "I wish I could get over this illness" or "I hope I get well soon", begin to think "I intend to heal myself of this illness".

Isn't that exactly what I did? For months, I said:

Gee, I wish I could find a natural barn, a better place for my horses. Gee, we really need to move soon.

After the Incident with the Barn Manager and the Raving Boarder, it changed to:

That's IT. We are MOVING. I am finding a safer, better, natural barn and we are moving.

The first was wishing/hoping; the second, intention.

I guess the lesson here is, if you can manage to be in "Doesn't Matter" Mode, then be there. But if you can't, then move out of Desperation and into Determination/Intention.

Therefore...

I wish this estate nonsense would end already is no longer my mantra. It is now...

I intend that all three properties (mine and the two estate lots) are sold immediately, and the estate is closed shortly thereafter. I intend to be more than $100,000 wealthier within 30 days.

PERIOD. And that's that.

I also intend to have a happy birthday tomorrow despite it all.

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Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 8:33 PM 1 comments

Problems vs. Solutions

I almost hijacked Crazy Aunt Purl's blog to comment, but decided it was important enough to warrant its own post.

Today's topic at CAP is the gas prices and how people respond with "Well, it could be worse" and seem to shrug off the responsibility for making things better. There is an argument that Europe has been dealing with high gas (petrol) prices for years and they're fine, but one forgets that they also have many government-provided amenities lacking in the US (like free education, health care, etc). Here are my thoughts.

The purpose of the "well, it could be worse" line of thought is that it's an attempt to refocus us onto the positive thought process rather than the worst-case scenario process (but somehow it goes wrong in the process and I'll tell you why in a minute).

I've been studying the Law of Attraction quite diligently for over a year now and I've learned something.

1. What we focus on EXPANDS--meaning, we get more OF it.
2. The most effective way to manifest something is to ponder it briefly, then let it go and forget about it.

With regard to the first part, if we focus on how awful the gas prices are, guess what? They will continue to be awful! They will get awfuler (I declare that as a word that officially appears in the Bantercon).

When we say something like "it could be worse", guess what our brains do? They momentarily envision it GETTING WORSE.

Then, we shrug it off and move on, forgetting about it.

Refer to #2 above and you'll see WHY, if someone says "Cheer up! It could always be worse" and you cheer up, it still GETS worse.

Got it?

So, yes, I agree, let's stop with the "could be worse" comments if only to protect ourselves.

Then, if we can learn to flip our thoughts around, and focus on the positive aspects, we will lessen the negative energy going out, and increase the chances of the gas trend (and others) reversing.

We would be better off if, instead of being PROBLEM-SOLVERS, we all became SOLUTION-FINDERS. But, what's the big deal? Those are the same things, right?

WRONG. Problem-solvers. Solution-finders. Look at the phrases.

Problem-solvers focus on solving problems. They focus on the problem without even realizing they do so.

Solution-finders focus on finding solutions.

Tell me—can you feel the difference when you think the words? Can you feel how different your emotions are when you think "problem solver" versus "solution finder"? (If you can't, you need to get back in touch with yourself.)

I've realized just today that I've spent my whole life being problem-focused, which is why I keep experiencing more and more events that bring problems to me to be solved.

Of course, that's natural. It's how we are all re-programmed as we grow up, thanks to the media, our parents, our peers, our teachers, and later our bosses and the companies we work for. We lose the natural ability to be solution-focused and positive thinkers and miracle-makers that we were when we first entered this world. Oh, yes. Listen to children. Think like them. They believe in Santa Claus. THEY BELIEVE. They have an unshakeable faith that all things are possible, even unicorns, and that faith survives until they become exposed to school/TV and begin to be programmed to function as a cog in the work place (where that sort of thinking has no place).

My new objective is to be a SOLUTION-FOCUSED person. Would you like a good example of a solution-focused person?

A surgeon or doctor.

When the surgeon visits the woman in the hospital who's a victim of a horrific car crash and needs major facial reconstruction, he does not see the bruised, swollen, lacerated mess that occurred mere hours before—he sees the finished product. He sees the woman six months down the road, reconstructed, healed, all the scars carefully hidden. He sees, as he looks her over, exactly how to put her back together. And he has absolute confidence in his ability to do so—without question.

THAT is solution-focused.

Back to the subject of gas: I personally cheer every time I see even a one cent drop in the gas prices. I cheer (inside) when I find a lower-priced alternative, when milk goes on sale at W*l-M*art, when I find eggs more cheaply than the grocery store. I cheer, because I want to send out positive energy towards reducing prices.

Of course, as CAP suggested, it might be easier just to move to Europe.

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Labels: Law of Attraction, musings

posted by Jeanne @ 1:54 PM 1 comments

Can I Knit on Horseback?

What breed of horse are you? Find out!

You are... a Mustang, the wild breed of horse that roamed America in the 1700's and 1800's. Like the movie Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, you are an outdoorsy character, you'd rather go camping than attend the fanciest dance in town. Matter of fact, you're rarely in town. You'd rather gallop like the wind in some huge wild prairie, and you're free as a butterfly. (Okay, maybe that's a bad analogy...) You never have and never will have an owner... you're free! Your coat colour will most likely be: buckskin or dun.

---

Cute. Fairly accurate, too.

Well, we've taken the first step on the Parelli Pathway to Professional. Cheerios and I participated in our first PNH clinic together last weekend. My fifth as a rider (I've audited near as many), his first. I knew going into it that it would either be an absolute disaster, or a major growth opportunity.

I'm relieved and pleased to say it was the latter. Our instructor was 2-Star Trainee Jesse Peters, who, ironically, I'd met in 2004 at my last clinic with Wildflower—we were both participants. Jesse was still playing with Level Three at the time (it was a L2/L3 clinic). Four years later, he's on the road to 3-star... I'm starting over with a "new" horse.

Hmm, how interesting. ;-)

It was fantastic. I got a lot of strategies to use with my Left-Brained Extrovert/Introvert bi-polar horse—he flips between Extrovert and Introvert on the fly and sometimes goes into Right-Brained Introvert territory... eh, all this is better posted on my little-publicized horse blog... the point is, yes, he's a bit of a challenge, but yes, he is manageable, and yes, I have the capability to do so armed with new strategies. We made amazing progress. I had some major breakthroughs.

Thing about Parelli is that it's more about the human than the horse, and the Remudas (debriefing sessions where we discuss the sessions) turn into group therapy sometimes because your horse IS your mirror, and often I'll learn something about ME through my interaction with my horse. Such as what I learned about fear.

My underlying fear issues have inhibited me from being as firm as I've needed to be sometimes, which meant I wasn't being very clear about what I was asking of my horse, which caused confusion for both of us, and lead to my horse becoming frustrated because if he didn't know what I was asking, he couldn't find the right answer... so he'd blow up and do the things that create the fear in the first place.

Can you say, vicious cycle?

So I learned to step up and BE firm (but fair and friendly, never mean or mad) when I needed to be, and whoa. I was afraid to be firm for fear he'd get mad.

The exact opposite happened. First, I'd teach, gently. But once there was evidence that he had an idea of what I wanted, I'd nag at Phase 1 but not be very insistent (leading to confusion, etc.). Well, we changed strategies. I'd ask at Phase 1 (very lightly) and give him the opportunity to work it out, but if he didn't respond, move through the Phases and get as firm as necessary. Yes, I DO want you to [insert response], thank you. Then relax. BIG difference. Suddenly my horse has figured out, "Oh, when you start to make that motion, you DO want X. GOT IT." Suddenly, he was very motivated, calmer, and his confidence came up, which brought out his curiosity.

It's fascinating to watch, at least to me and all the other PNH nuts. To some it's like watching paint dry, but whatev. ;-)

Then there was the insight about my parents and my life. Yes. The horse clinic brought up unresolved issues and insights. My parents were my greatest cheerleaders (and annoyances, simultaneously). They were the ones who knew when I needed advice, and when I just needed to hear someone tell me not to give up. Since they died, there hasn't been anyone around to step in at those moments and tell me Do Not Quit. As a result, I've felt very lost since they died. The sad thing is, I didn't even realize this until Day 2 of the clinic while reviewing the previous day's events over my morning coffee.

The trigger was this: I was having difficulty getting firm with Cheerios' butt while asking him to move Sideways—his butt kept getting in my face and I was worried if I asked it to move out of my space, he might kick. Jesse showed me that wouldn't happen. It's about being the leader. He said I need to be persistent and stay with it until I get the response I'm asking for. He looked me in the eye and said to me, "Promise me this—do... not...—" and waited for me to fill it in...

"Quit?" I asked.

Yes. Do Not EVER Quit.

Really, it's like the Karate Kid.

So I'm mulling this over the next morning, and it hits me. One, this is how I've been living my life since they died—hitting roadblocks, not looking for solutions, just giving up or backing down. Quitting. Too easily. Two, the two people in my life who always told me not to quit were gone, and I really needed to hear someone tell me not to quit, but I had no idea how badly I needed to hear it until Jesse said it.

When I went to relay this during Remuda, I lost it. Choked on the "two people" part and sobbed my way through the rest. God Bless Jesse and the other gals—they all got it. That's the thing about Parelli people—they've all had these moments (the men as well as the women). There's an insider joke about how Parelli (like the rock band KISS) has a ton of logo'd items for sale, they should sell logo kleen*x because God knows we students go through it.

It was a big weekend.

No truck just yet. The estate... *sigh*. We went yet another round with the house sale, but THIS TIME, the contract is really, truly, finally done—I think—but it kept pushing the closing date further into the future. They almost had it moved to June but I veto'd that. I said "no way. It closes by the end of May or no go." May 31st. Hey, isn't that 1) a holiday weekend and 2) a Saturday? Oh, well. On or before.

Might not need one as readily, anyway. The barn manager at my current barn trailered us last time and as long as it isn't too far and doesn't conflict with horse shows, she'll do it if I buy the gas. Jesse's coming back to the area twice more this summer, and the barn manager at the hosting barn and I clicked and she offered to come get us if need be. So that's two possible rides. Do I need to buy a gas-guzzling monstrosity and a tagalong trailer? Maybe... maybe not.

Anyway, step one. I think we'll actually pass Level 2 (PDF file) this summer. (Level 3 [PDF] will be the fun one!)

I'm also proud to say I cleaned eight filthy stalls in record time with far less muscular acheage than before, and I seem to have misplaced five pounds.

Oh—and as for that knitting thing, uh, well, I managed to mis-knit two rows on my CPH while philosophizing with B the other night and have to rip back and figure out just where the heck to put my marker so when I don't knit on it for a month or two I'll remember where the cabling row actually IS.

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Labels: estate nonsense, gratefulness, horses, musings

posted by Jeanne @ 5:42 PM 1 comments

Beliefs

Belief: an acceptance that something is true or that something exists; a firmly held opinion or conviction; trust, faith or confidence in something or someone.

Opinion: a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge; an estimation of the quality or worth of something or someone.

Suppose that there are two people—let's make them female for the sake of argument—equal in every way: height, physical conformation/fitness level, ability, knowledge, skill level. There are two stalls in a horse barn; equally dirty. Each stall contains an equal amount of manure, good shavings, wet shavings, etc. The tools used to clean are equally balanced as well. Neither has the advantage over the other.

This is hypothetical, mind you. The fact that I'm using stall cleaning as the structure is only because I clean stalls several times a week and it lends itself well.

OK. So the two girls set about cleaning their stalls.

The girl in Stall A can't stand the job. She hates every minute of it—the smell, the physical labor, the dirtiness involved. As she cleans, she grumbles inwardly, complaining about how awful the job is. She is resentful of how much poop her horse leaves behind, what a waste of good riding time it is, and wonders why they have to smell so bad. Why can't they just live outside?

The girl in Stall B, however, is smiling. While it's not the most pleasant task, she does it with ease and a smile, because she is happy to be around horses, happy to be caring for hers, doesn't mind the physicality involved (hey, it saves a trip to the gym) and the smell reminds her of her favorite thing in life (horses). As she cleans, she thinks about her beloved horse, how much she enjoys riding and being with him, and appreciates the nice clean barn where he lives. She appreciates her role in providing that for him.

What is the difference here?

Stall A thinks of this as "working hard". She resents it. The energy she is transmitting as she works is NEGATIVE.

Stall B sees this as an opportunity to provide for her horse. She is focused on doing a good job but moreso, is focused on the benefits and the real meaning of the work: it means she has a horse! and that he has a nice place to live. She is transmitting POSITIVE energy as she cleans.

The difference is in the stall cleaners' belief systems and the type of energy that results from it. Same situation, two vastly opposite beliefs about it.

Stall A is probably not going to be very effective at convincing Stall B that this is a lousy pointless job and a waste of time and energy. Likewise, Stall B might have a shot at shifting Stall A's belief a little bit, depending on how firmly ingrained Stall A's belief system is; but not likely.

As I discovered through my exploration of alternate religions while living under the roof of Christian-based parents; through the process of becoming a student of natural horsemanship while boarding at a barn occupied by 98% traditional horsemen; and through my study of natural hoof care while being overseen by a traditional horseshoer; I've learned that it is impossible to "win" a battle of belief systems.

Both sides believe fully that they are right.

Both sides can provide support for their beliefs. Maybe not entirely tangible or provable, but to them, valid.

The ratio of proveable facts to philosophical or emotional assumptions is like 1:99.

Neither will change their belief unless they WANT to; one person cannot change the belief system held by another just by telling them to do so. It's an internal personal process.

It can be possible to sway someone who is impartial and unbiased towards one side or another if an effective argument is provided—and IF the person on the fence is unconsciously already leaning in that direction. (Nobody is truly impartial except maybe God*.) Sometimes someone will say something that triggers a profound shift, and the person's belief changes.

You're probably wondering where this is leading, right? Oh, great, Jeanne's off on one of her philosophical rants again, LOL. Well, I had—brace yourselves—an epiphany today. (Not another one!)

I realized that the real battle over the estate has very little to do with facts (property values/money) but is really about BELIEF SYSTEMS.

The reason I get so upset when I get yet another email from Lawyer or Nemesister is not because the facts don't ring true (they don't but that's another issue)—it's because the evidence being used to support the "argument in favor of giving the sister all the money and finding a 6% interest ambiguous-terms loan on my interitance" is ALL emotionally-based. It's all based on HER belief systems versus mine. That the lawyer has core beliefs that resonate more with her than with me is another issue.

We have very different philosophies about life. She believes that working hard means something and that if you aren't "working hard", you're lazy and therefore worth less than she is. If you're enjoying it, you aren't working hard.

I believe in the concept of right livelihood, that what you do for a living should be effortless and meaningful. Please note: I do not condone laziness or taking an attitude that the government "owes" me a living (ie exploiting government programs or individuals). The concept of "effortless work" is that if you are doing what you are truly called to do, if you are on the path you are supposed to be on, if you are doing the thing that makes your spirit sing, then you are pursuing right livelihood. Your days will feel effortless, which is as it should be. You find joy in your work; the least desireable tasks can still be done with joy and gratefulness; when you go home, you may be tired, but it's a good tired, one where you feel blessed to have lived the day, blessed to be doing what you're doing, fulfilled in spirit and mind and heart.

It's like what I've heard people say: "I can't believe they pay me to play music/ride horses/write books/teach underwater basketweaving/save lives/[insert job]". THAT is how it's meant to be. Days fly by because you are so involved in what you're doing that you don't notice it's quitting time; you are a bit disappointed that you have to stop for the day; you can't wait to get out of bed the next day and start again; 16 hours is not a long enough "work" day.

THAT is pursuing right livelihood. You don't have to be a musician to be doing this. If you TRULY love law, then being a lawyer is right livelihood. If you truly enjoy helping people overcome their emotional issues, then being a psychologist is right livelihood. If you truly find joy in restoring a home from filth to cleanliness, then being a housecleaner is right livelihood. If you love children, being a preschool teacher or mother is right livelihood.

Get my point?

If you hate what you are doing and find justification in the fact that you are proving your worth by "working hard"... you're on the WRONG path.

Yes, sometimes we have to do those things for awhile before we get on the right path, but you get my point, right?

My sister hates her job. When she was counseling people, she enjoyed it. But since becoming an administrator, she hates it with a passion and cannot stand it. Cannot wait until the day she retires so she can open up her own practice and get back to what she enjoyed. (I'm not entirely sure being a counselor is her true dream anyway; her fascination with serial killers and the FBI makes me think she missed her calling to be a profiler or investigator.)

Me? I refuse to do a job I hate. I did that. But I also did a lot of things that IF I had hated it, it would have been hard work. Like playing in rock bands. Not as easy as you think. Sure, you play music and travel and get the glory of being on stage—but if you could have seen some of the living situations we endured, the poverty—I remember one night driving three hours home from a gig in the band bus (refurbished yellow school bus) in mid-winter WITHOUT HEAT and it was FREEZING that night, we had to take turns huddling for warmth and driving the bus... you'd think we were crazy to be doing it. My Mother did. Why did I persist? Because I LOVED IT. Loving what you do makes the yucky parts tolerable. But when the BEST part of the day is intolerable, what does that say about the yucky parts?

After this epiphany, I realized that the reason I get angry when I read their emails is because they are calling me to defend my BELIEF systems against theirs. It's all about personal issues. But it's impossible to win—for both of us.

We cannot prove beyond a reasonable doubt:

• Which one Mother loved "more"
• Who "got" more over the course of their lifetime (non-materially)
  
• Who is more "deserving" based on past actions/responses
• Who is worse off
• Who is more valuable as a person overall and therefore more deserving

Sadly, that's what this is really about. It might be what ALL such legal matters are about, including divorces. Who is the better person therefore who should be duly rewarded materially.

Sorry. It's hard to prove that. One can prove an unfit parent to some degree... people's dating history can be called into play... but tell me:

How do you prove whether one child is unfit, or more deserving than the other?

Even the Bible argues over that one (Prodigal Son; King Solomon, among others).

Let's face it. The Irish have been battling for centuries over who's right: the Protestants or Catholics. Have they made any headway?

Nope. Because it's Protestant beliefs versus Catholic beliefs: firmly held judgements not necessarily based in (proveable) fact or knowledge, estimations of value or worth.

Assumptions.

We all know what it means to ass-u-me.

I really hope the next epiphany is a clue as to how to end the war, given that the battle is a no-win situation with heavy casualties predicted.

Although... perhaps this WAS the lesson. They say that the lesson, once learned, need not be repeated. Maybe my realizing this and the thought energy it has generated is the catalyst to end the war.


*God, Goddess, Buddha, Jehovah, Allah, The Universe, Great Spirit—pick your Deity Name.

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Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 4:41 PM 0 comments

Who We Are Versus Who We Want to Be

THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE, BUT WHO YOU WANT TO BE.

From Be*Mused by way of the Calico Cat, a quote from Peter Walsh that he made to a woman on Oprah who was drowning in cookbooks and supplies she never used, in response to her telling Peter that she always intended to do more serious baking.

This is not who you ARE, but who you want to BE.

If you are Peter Walsh, this is probably the go-ahead to start chucking the cookbooks and supplies, and letting go of the desire to be someone you "aren't".

Or is it?

I tend to disagree, at least in part.

Perhaps this should be viewed as a signpost, pointing to your deepest dreams rather than a castle in the sky to be torn down without a second thought!

I'm all for uncluttering one's life and eradicating unnecessary items, for stripping away things that do not fit one's ideal vision of their lives. But who is to say that the person one wants to be is something that can never be attained?

Everyone lives in a state of denial, denying themselves the things they most want because limiting beliefs, negative past programming, and subconscious counter intentions tell them that they don't deserve it, they don't have the skills/talents, it's a waste of time/money/energy, it's extravagant, it's frivolous, it's too hard, it's too easy—and so on. We all have programming along these lines, particular to our own cases, thanks to our upbringing and what we've been exposed to throughout our lives.

But we will occasionally get nudges, glimpses into a better, brighter world, a world we want very much to trade up to and live within.

Maybe for the cookbook woman, the idea of being a more serious baker was the answer to a call coming from her soul telling her that her destiny is to BE a baker. Or a cookbook author. Or a network food chef. Or something related.

Maybe for her, it's the signpost pointing toward her deepest unrealized dream. Her destiny.

Or, perhaps it's a response to feelings of self-worth. Maybe she's trying to make up for someone in her life who failed to meet expectations. Maybe her mother wasn't "there" for her growing up, and she saw other mothers who baked for their families, and associated baking with love and nurturing. Maybe she feels a deep-rooted need to either fill the void in her own life that was created by her mother's ignorance of that role by going above and beyond expectations for her own family. Maybe she needs to bake to prove to herself that she's a better Mother/Wife/Nurturer than her own mother was. I'm speculating, of course. But it would make sense.

In the first instance, it would be wholly unwise for the woman to be told to chuck out her supplies and give up on trying to be that person. In this instance, she would be practicing even further denial of her own TRUTH. Instead, she should be encouraged to find out why she has been avoiding it, and work to overcome the limiting beliefs that are blocking her—then make "serious baking" a priority in her life. Begin to live the life that she's dreaming of.

In the second instance, it would be beneficial and life-altering for the woman to let go of the supplies, if she has also become aware of the beliefs that lead her there, and lets go of them at the same time. In this instance, letting go would bring about healing and allow her to see the rise of her own true self.

I suppose my response is not as simple as "No, that's wrong" or "Yes, that's correct". My response would be that one must go further than just saying "Oh, that's just who you want to be, but you're not, so let it go". One must delve deeply into their own psyche and find the reasons WHY they want to be this other person. Only then can they make a sound decision to allow themselves to BE the person they want to be, or to let that person go so that they can realize their own true dreams.

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Labels: musings, positive thinking

posted by Jeanne @ 3:38 PM 2 comments

Habitual Messages, Grey's, and Horrorscopes

Of course. Who else would I be?

And in other news... (my notes in this color)

Weekly Horoscope
For the week starting 28 January 2008
Horoscope courtesy of Kathy Cooper © 2007 Uranian Nights
On Tuesday Venus forms a helpful link to Saturn which could put you in a public place giving a speech that is about a topic very dear to your heart.
No idea what they're talking about. Unless they mean blogging.

On Friday Venus forms a close link to Jupiter which could see you either being proposed to or actually getting married.
Oh. Really. Funny how my horoscope has been saying this for the past YEAR, and I have yet to see a proposal and since I'm not dating anyone and nobody's even on the remote horizon visible through a telescope, somehow this seems rather far fetched. I'm laughing.

On Sunday Mercury forms a close link to Neptune (as it did on 23 January) in your sector of wills, legacies, the goods of the deceased, loans, your partner’s income or any other shared resource. Take care if you have to sign anything that involves any of the above issues as otherwise you may be inadvertently swindled out of your belongings. There may be a mystery or confusion over the passing of someone dear to you that may remain unsolved for a long period of time.
Oy frikken vey! I thought this sounded familiar. The "swindled" part showed up last week, too. I heeded the warning for that Wednesday. Luckily, no contracts of any sort arrived—nothing happened, in fact, so I assumed I was good to go, belongings intact. I'll be super careful this week, too, since I'm definitely riding that sector. Wonder what the mystery over the passing part is all about? Do they mean my horse Wildflower that died in 2005? I don't know how she got hurt. It's a mystery. If anyone knew, they weren't talking. It has to be that, because there isn't any mystery as to why my parents died.

All rightie. Now I'll revisit a previous concept. I woke up thinking about my Mother, and how she lived her life, and what she said as habit. From this I garnered quite the epiphany. It's funny, because I already knew this, but it didn't hit home until today when I viewed it in reference to her life. The details aren't important, but it points to self-fulfilling prophecies of the most mundane type. Oh, all right, one example. My Mother used to say "Oh, I'm so tired, I need to go lie down and rest for awhile."

Seems innocuous, right?

Let it be known that my Mother practically "rested" her life away. I realized I'm in danger of doing the same. Not resting so much, but rather, not doing as much as I could be doing. And the source of it lies in the simple, mundane things that float through my brain and casually slide out of my mouth in conversation.

There are certain phrases we utter that imply "lack". In the world of the LoA, what we focus on, we get more of. If we focus on having, we get more. If we focus on not having, or lacking, we get more lack. The key phrases are:

I NEED/I NEED TO
I WANT/I WANT TO
I HAVE TO*
I SHOULD
I OUGHT TO
I'VE GOT TO (poor grammar aside)

* I HAVE TO is on the list but I HAVE is an exception because I HAVE is a positive affirmation

There are additional phrases that, while sounding positive, include a possibility of doubt:
I WISH/I WISH I COULD
I HOPE

Anything that is prefaced by one of these phrases is automatically aligned with LACK.

Think about that for a moment.

I'm so tired, I need to lie down and rest = I am affirming my exhaustion, and lacking the rest
I need a job = I am lacking a job
I need more money = I am lacking more money
I need a nap = I am lacking a nap
I need to lose weight = I am lacking in the losing weight department
I need to go to the gym = I'm lacking gym time
I have to clean the house = I am lacking cleaning the house
I should go to the store = I am lacking going to the store
I hope I find a job soon = I'm positive about getting a job soon, because I lack one, but I'm not completely sure about finding one

If these phrases are aligned with LACK, and if what we focus on is what we get more of... then what are we setting ourselves up for by using these phrases? And they are tossed around so casually we don't even notice!

My challenge today—and I invite anyone who is interested to feel free to join me—is to be hyper aware of what I'm thinking and saying, watching for these phrases and when I catch myself thinking or saying them, to immediately replace and reframe the sentence as such:

If I think or say:
I NEED/TO, I WANTTO, I HAVE TO*, I SHOULD/OUGHT TO/GOT TO

I am replacing it with:
I AM
I AM IN THE PROCESS OF (which indicates it is already happening)
I HAVE
I "DO" where "DO" is an action verb (eg I CLEAN the house, I DRIVE a Dodge Ram 3500)

If I think or say:
I WISH/I WISH I COULD/I HOPE

I am replacing it with:
I AM
I HAVE
I CAN
I KNOW
I HAVE DECIDED THAT
I AM CERTAIN THAT

Here are the sentences reframed:
I'm so tired, I need to lie down and rest = I am well-rested, I feel great
I need a job = I am in the process of finding a job
I need more money = I have plenty of money/I am in the process of receiving more money
I need a nap = I am full of energy
I need to lose weight = I am in the process of losing weight
I need to go to the gym = I am going to the gym
I have to clean the house = I am cleaning the house/I have decided that I am cleaning the house/I am in the process of... and so on
I should go to the store = I am going to the store
I hope I find a job soon = I am certain that I'll find a job/I know I'll find a job

This isn't about repeating positive affirmations, aligning yourself with grand visions of your future, or making enormous changes in your life that seem impossible now. This is about changing the habitual messages you send yourself every moment of every day. It's very small, but far more significant than you might think. By changing these small things, greater changes can take place.

I'm up for it. Are you? If so, try it for a day or two and post a comment about the experience.

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Labels: Law of Attraction, musings, positive thinking, silliness

posted by Jeanne @ 3:01 PM 1 comments

Wow, I Got Nuthin'

Truly.

Nothing.

About all I could tell you is that I decided to take the luxury provided to me as a member of the Workforce Liberation Society and spend the day meditating.

No, not sleeping.

Really! Honestly! Meditating! Or rather, "cleaning" in Ho'oponopono terminology. I also sort of did a hypnotic regression back to my birth time to see if any issues might surface. You know, the ones holding me back, stunting my progress and success.

The results are far too detailed to go into on the blog (and personal), but I will say that quite a few hidden issues surfaced, all were cleaned, I only nodded off a couple of times (to be expected when sitting there chanting to yourself) but never to a fully asleep/dreaming stage, and I did this from noon to 5:00. That qualifies as "all day", doesn't it? All afternoon, anyway.

I suspect I will have to do a bit of "maintenance" cleaning on these issues from time to time as I doubt one session would get them all up and out. But I feel... strange (from being in a heightened state for so long), very rested, connected to something but disconnected from this world.

You know how sometimes you get quick glimpses of the past? Maybe you have a fleeting recall of the way you once felt that's triggered by, say, a certain type of weather or a scent or something and it triggers a memory, but it flits by so fast you don't have time to catch it? Today I caught them all. The interesting thing is that they didn't just flit off, they stayed long enough for me to become fully immersed in my past "selves" of this life (childhood, teenage) during different timeframes, and to enable me to get a better examination of who I was back then. Some of it I brought forward into the present. It's funny but I feel more "complete" right now. Like I "remembered" parts of me that need to be here that somehow were forgotten.

I will share this. The underlying sense of sadness that has hovered around me for my entire life turned out to belong to someone else. It isn't, nor was it ever, truly mine. For 44 years I've been "entrusted with" (so to speak) the burden of heartbreak felt by my birth mother over losing me. It took this day's meditation/regression to get me back to a time when that first developed. I've since shed that, because it wasn't my load to carry. Do I feel 1,000 times lighter?

You betcha.

It's a blessing to know that the only sadness left is authentically mine, and it's the grief I should rightly have over losing my parents. But I am no longer transporting another's grief alongside of it.

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Labels: musings

posted by Jeanne @ 9:18 PM 3 comments

Aligning with Constructivism

OMG this is a long post.

So I've figured out a couple of things I can do right now in my current life to be more aligned with the life of my vision.

• I can change my attitude
• I can change my thoughts
• I can shuffle my schedule and get out of this rut

First, the attitude. More happy. Years ago, life felt magical. In my head, I was already a rock star. I was physically in this world, but mentally, I had my rock star life overlaid like a sheet of vellum. I felt like anything was possible. (I'm still wondering what happened to change that, and if it was sudden as in one event or just a gradual dissipation.) The key here is the "magical" feeling. Making dinner to suit me, for example, used to bring great pleasure, because I'd create offbeat dishes or stirfries or curries—stuff my Mother would never cook (let alone eat)—and I would be puttering around in my kitchen humming to myself before sitting down and enjoying my meal with great satisfaction.

Last night, out of hunger and food boredom, I fell back onto one of my rut foods—nachos. Except I make them with blue chips, and I add soy "burger" crumbles and a green & red pepper and onion veggie blend on top. It's pretty good. It's nothing special, but it's a good fall-back meal. I had a moment. It was like a time-shift. I completely forgot the events of the past couple of years and was focused on sprinkling the cheese and I almost smiled to myself thinking about my nachos, almost hummed merrily—

—and I stopped myself from feeling good.

In the next heartbeat, I froze, because I realized that I'd just semi-subconsciously stopped myself from allowing a POSITIVE feeling to rise to the surface.

I prevented myself from feeling good.

Isn't that awful?

That lead to spending a good bit of time analyzing the reasons why I didn't think I should allow myself to feel good over something as mundane as making nachos. Sparing the details. Let's just say I realized I need an attitude adjustment, and that I have to consciously focus on allowing those happy feelings that WANT to come up to do so unrestrained.

Next, the thoughts. Most of us automatically think negatively without really trying—we're conditioned that way. Everywhere you turn, on TV, in the news, there are sensationalized stories of war, economic crisis, rising gas prices, accidents, diseases, and so on, and we are constantly barraged with a message of how difficult life is. There are good messages to be found, but because they seem to originate from the religious channels and include words such as "God" and "faith", a lot of people opt not to listen to them, which is fine. I'm just trying to point out the irony.

I'm just as challenged as the rest of us when it comes to what I allow to pass through my grey matter. I am every bit as susceptible to the barrage. What I'm doing is being more conscious of what's trying to get in, as well as what's trying to get out. I'm choosing the positive thoughts. It takes practice and I slip up sometimes, but I'm trying. It's a habitual thought process, and habits take time to change.

Lastly, the schedule. When I was a kid, my parents handled everything, giving me ample free time to play and pursue my own interests. Then one day they decided I needed more responsibility (which is fine). But suddenly, the things I wanted to do became tainted. They became unnecessary. They were things that you do later, after the "important" things are finished.

I would sit down to get engrossed in a really interesting book, and my Mother would say, "why don't you do something constructive for awhile rather than sit around reading all day?" Practicing guitar for a half hour to be prepared for my weekly lesson was acceptable and encouraged, but sitting there noodling for hours on end was non-productive and I should really be doing "something else". The dichotomy here is that my Mother railed on about doing the important things first, but sent a mixed message that you need to stop and have a little fun, too.

OK, which is it?

Well, I learned. I learned to do the important things first, and once they are finished, THEN I can sit down and design that sock, play with music software, dye some yarn, play with my horses... once everything else is done.

Twenty years later and I am STILL waiting for the day when the Important Things are Done and I can be free to focus on MY stuff. Someday, I'll learn to program Flash. Someday, I'll finish my album. Someday... when all the other stuff is done. When the house is clean. Or I get my masters (which I'm not sure I want). Or I move to a different house. Or...

The bottom line is, I get to the end of the day and there is still stuff. So I don't feel like I'm "allowed" to turn my attention to something that isn't "constructive" or "productive" or "important". I have a tendency towards obsessive workaholism balanced with a rebellion of doing nothing (with all the accompanying resentment) and have been known to work well past the reasonable endpoint (say 12 hours to touch up paint) even though I know I'm pushing it and I'm just going to wake up angry with myself the next day.

Mother told me part one: "Finish the important things first". But she forgot to tell me part two: Exactly when, pray tell, will I know that all the important things are finished?

At what point can I honestly and rightfully say, NOW it's OK to do my thing?

Maybe she didn't know, either. Reflecting back on her life, I think she needed the answer, too.

So here's what I've decided. My time, my LIFE, is like my job. I have so many hours in which to do stuff. I'm accountable to myself for how I use this time. I've allotted 7 hours for sleep/rest (which is about what I need), and 2 hours for eating/personal care (or extra sleep), leaving 15 hours that are up to me to fill.

I've decided to break up that 15 hours into 3-hour spans. I've decided that I am absolutely prohibited from focusing on the Mass Organization Project (ie "the Important Thing") for more than six hours in one day, and that if the tasks for the day are of a more physically-demanding nature, then I am limited to three hours total. I'm starting out on an 18-hour-per-week ration at first (3 hours per day).

I establish a list of tasks to be completed within that time span (realistically), set a start and end time, and then I go. When the time is up, I must stop working and go on to do MY stuff. If the task I'm on at the end will only take 15 minutes or less to complete and be done, I can allow it, but I must make up for it by shortening the work time the following day. So if I worked 3 hours and 15 minutes today, I work 2 hours and 45 minutes tomorrow (physical labor).

I can also move hours around if I know I'm going to be doing something that requires more time such as painting a room, or if I want to take a day off from it completely I just add time to another day. Basically, I have 18 total hours per week in which I am "allowed" to do Important Things and I can shift them around as desired as long as I stay within the 18-hour limit. The 18-hour limit will increase to 36 hours once I've been successful for three weeks (21 days to a new habit).

In addition, it's a six-day week. Sundays are verboten. NO WORK ON SUNDAY. On Sunday, I focus purely on FUN. It's not a religious thing, it's a throwback to how I lived in LA when I was going to VIT: five days of focus on music studies. Friday nights out on the town. Saturday, run errands, do laundry, grocery, etc. Saturday night, out on the town. Sunday: go to the 3 for 3 movie theatre and sit through three movies in a row for three bucks (complete downtime). Later on, I replaced this with spending Sunday afternoon at the Bodhi Tree bookstore or at Venice Beach or something equally fun. I was much more balanced then.

True, it doesn't seem like I'll be devoting a large portion of my day to this enormous task when I should be working like mad to get it done. It might seem like I'm taking an awful lot of free time, but that's precisely the point. I need to do something drastic like this in order to break my unhealthy workaholic tendency and rebuild it to a normal level of Important Things Work balanced against Fun/Me-time. I have to swing the pendulum the opposite way.

By prohibiting myself from going past six hours on easy stuff (sorting papers, yarn, clothes, basic light household chores) or three hours on heavy stuff (loading up all those tubs, OMG, from the living room and taking them to the storage unit, installing toilets, etc), I'm using reverse psychology to motivate me to work. I'm not ALLOWED to work. Hmm. Suddenly, it's more appealing. Plus, there's a time limit. Having that stopping point relieves me of the guilt I feel that it's not all done yet.

How is it going so far? Today was the first day. I'm amazed. I got my entire list done. It would have been three hours, but I made a couple of mistakes. But that's OK, because it made me aware of some of my pitfalls—things I wasn't conscious of doing that have made it take longer for me to do stuff in the past. (It took 4.5 hours and yes, I'm shortening tomorrow's time.)

For example, I had some kitchen cleanup duties in there. All I had to do was take out the recycling and trash, put the dishes in the dishwasher, wash the dirty pots and pans (by hand because they stay nicer that way), wipe off the counters and stove, and put away a couple of pizza pans. Well, I got all that done in about 15 minutes (faster than I anticipated). Then I made a mistake. Instead of stopping when I completed the tasks on my list, I added/created a new duty that wasn't necessary at the time but "while I was there"... I saw greasy grimy gunk on the range hood that was attracting fuzz, so I decided to clean IT, too, as well as the backsplash. That cost me a full half hour!

While doing a quick-sort of the tubs in the living room to make sure it was all stuff to be stored, I came across an issue of Time from 1978. OK, why? Why did Mom save it? Nothing was marked. I should have just laughed and pitched it, right? Wrong. I sat down and paged through it. It was fascinating. There were cigarette ads, booze ads, and a beautiful full-color four-page ad for the 1979 Pinto. Yep. You guessed it. Not only did I save it for its historic magnificence, but I lost a good 20 minutes of work time poring over that thing. I got thoroughly distracted by something that I didn't need to be focusing on at the time.

I also got hungry and stopped to eat a cookie. And I forgot to factor in catbox duty.

However... I made SERIOUS progress in the living room, and I am now down about six bins' worth of crap. All because rather than looking at it as "*sigh* yuck, I have to spend all day sorting this crap in the living room it's so overwhelming I can't take it", I set a time limit and by golly—I did it! The best thing is that rather than feeling like I'd failed to "finish" yet again, I felt immensely accomplished. I felt like it was absolutely OK to stop when I did. It's liberating, I'll tell ya, liberating!

I'm almost—dare I say it—excited about tomorrow's work period. It's like a game: how much can I accomplish in three hours? The reward being that once the three hours is up, I'm free to do ANYTHING I want to.

That's the next challenge. Teaching myself that it's OK to do something for me. I'll probably have to set up a time-limit/time-frame for that as well. Such as, I have three hours for work, then three hours for music, or three hours to spin, or sew, or read, or play games—but it HAS to be something other than being on the computer (unless it's to compose music), Second Life, watching TV—other than what I usually fall into by default. I have to make a conscious choice to do something completely "non-constructive". (Mother's definition of "constructive" meant that it had a purpose toward the important things; she got mad once when I suggested that since I was sewing, I was constructing a garment, therefore I was doing something constructive. I love you, Mom. In spite of it all.)

Now I'm going to get off this computer (after I finish catching up on blogs) and hit the hay.

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Labels: 30-Day Org, boring household crap, musings, positive thinking

posted by Jeanne @ 12:00 AM 0 comments