Monday, December 31, 2007

Final Countdown

Well, twenty aught seven is coming to a close and TWO THOUSAND GREAT is almost upon us. What are you doing tonight?

At this point, it's 9:04 PM and I have no plans to go out on the town. But who knows? That could change. I ran to the store earlier for cat food and a bottle of champers (champagne)—why not, eh? I might have to run out again for another gallon of milk as they are predicting a winter storm, 6-8 inches of snow, and though I have a gallon and a half in the fridge... better to be prepared, I say.

2007 was a definite improvement over 2006 and I'm excited about what life may bring in 2008. One of the podcasts I listen to regularly comes from Karen Linew, Law of Attraction Tips. Karen also issues an email newsletter. The most recent issue included an exercise I found to be most interesting and that I plan to do tonight. I pulled this from the newsletter in case you wanted to try it for yourself:

Every New Year's Day we (Karen and her husband) brush away the cobwebs in our heads if we've been out celebrating the night before and we get really excited about the upcoming year. We look forward to this day because it has helped us to create some simply amazing things.

Here's what we do:
  1. We talk about the incredible way our lives have changed for the positive in the past year and how thankful we are for all of it.
  2. We discuss our challenges but mostly focus on how we overcame those challenges and created a positive outcome.
  3. Next we chat about the things we have most appreciated about the year—whether it's been new relationships, new stuff or new personal achievements.
  4. Our discussion then moves to what we would like to see happen next. We talk about what we would like to achieve in our professional, health, fun, financial, home and spiritual portions of our life. (Note: we do 1-4 and 6 weekly as well)
  5. Our next step is to write down everything. We each have our own special books where we write all of this down. Each of these items is written in the present tense or in 'I Am' statements which are incredibly powerful.
  6. We then review the many shared items and talk about how exciting it is to have these things in our life. (We don't try to figure out how any of this will happen and we don't talk about how it will be orchestrated—this is a definite no-no!)
Remember, what you focus on is what you get, so if you want things to change—you cannot focus on what is—you'll only get more of that.

There you have it. Another of my personal gurus suggests writing a list of the things you want to be, do and have in the next 12 months, as if you already are, are doing, or have them, then put the list away until December 31, 2008. The key is to write them as if they are currently happening:
  • I drive a dark red Dodge Ram 3500 with custom leather interior and a gooseneck towing package

  • I transport my horses in a 3-horse slant-load gooseneck trailer

    with a weekender package*

    in the Sonoma Pottery Decor

  • I am at the Parelli Center in Ocala, FL

    with Cheerios doing the six-week intensive and having a blast
  • I'm riding in a brand-new Parelli Fusion Saddle

  • I am healthy and in great shape
  • I just sold my house in Toledo for my list price
  • I just sold the other property for the list price
  • I am the sole winning MegaMillions jackpot ticketholder

  • I am composing music soundtracks for meditation and affirmation CDs professionally
  • I am writing a book
  • I am a prosperity coach making $300,000 per year
You get the idea. ;-)

Be safe, be well, and see you next year!

*Weekender package: that's a horse trailer with the most minimal living quarters possible—a bed up in the "neck", a kitchenette, a foldout dining table for two, and a "cowboy shower" (shower stall with a toilet in the middle, a space saver). So's I can "camp" for six weeks and save on lodging. Of course... if I've won the lottery, would that really be an issue? LOL!

Labels: , , ,

Sunday, December 30, 2007

50 Random Questions Meme

You know I only resort to memes when I have nothing else to say (which is rare). Feel free to dispense among yourselves...

1. Are you dating the last person you kissed?

I wish. I love him dearly and would date him in a heartbeat, but he's Just A Friend.

2. Pretend you've had 10 beers. What you would be doing right now?
Puking up at least five of them.

3. What do you want?
To be happy, healthy and wealthy. All the time.

4. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
Man. It's been so long I can't remember. Seriously. We're talking at least eight years.

5. Do you talk to yourself?
All the time. Scarily, I also answer back. Even scarier, sometimes the answers aren't what I expected to hear. (Since I'm aware of this, I feel pretty confident that it's not a split personality, but rather I'm just really in touch with my subconscious mind, enough that it will talk back.)

6. Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
Yep. I live alone. I can do that. I LOVE MILK!

7. Who knows the latest secret about you?
If I tell you, I'll have to kill you.

8. How long is your hair?
Long. Like to my back bra band.

9. Do you like Batman?

10. Who was the last person who told you they loved you?
Wendy. No wait, Jason. But it was the preface to soften the "reality check" that was to follow. It wasn't like a mushy heartfelt declaration. It was, "Jeannie, I love you, but you do know that [insert reprimand/reality check about my life here]".

13. Do you like anyone now?
Like as in want to date? Not officially.

14. When was the last time you lied?
Define "lie".

16. Is your birthday on a holiday?
No but close enough that when I was younger I thought the fireworks were an extension of my celebration.

17. What instant messaging service do you use?
I don't, very often.

18.Last thing you cooked today?
My cup of coffee in the microwave. Must remember to eat.

19. Did you have a nap today?
No. I don't nap. I go to bed, sleep eight hours, wake up. Period.

20. Whose house did you go to last?
My old house that I'm fixin' to sell.

21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?

22. Why is the sky blue?
Because it's sad that it's way up there rather than down here with us.

23. Do you like green beans?
Yes, I love green beans.

24. Do you swear a lot?
Not a lot.

25. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Shirt? Been too long, don't remember. Sweatshirt on top? Gift, I think.

27. Do you use an alarm clock?
Not really. My internal clock is fairly accurate and I've trained myself to tell myself what time to wake up and I'm usually within 10 minutes of it.

28. Where was your default MySpace picture taken?
It's an old band promo shot taken on a fire escape somewhere in my hometown.

29. Do you ever snort when you laugh?
Only if I'm laughing really, really hard.

30. What's the first thing you notice on the opposite sex?
Eyes. Then hair (or lack thereof). Then smile.

31. Is cheating ever okay?
Nope. If you mean "on your partner". If you mean "on your taxes"... *ahem* define cheating.

32. Do you want someone you can't have?
There is NO ONE that I can't have, if I really really really really want them. Granted, some might be more difficult to "acquire" than others, but if I really (to the 100th power) wanted them, I could have them. That said, at this moment, there's nobody currently that close to my radar, no.

34. Do you wear underwear?
When in public, yes.

35. Do you wear a bra?
See above.

36. What size?
Whatever fits.

37. Are you a social or an antisocial person?
Probably more anti-social than social. I like people. Certain people in smaller doses than others. But I do enjoy my solitude.

39. Do you have a tan?
Not this year.

45. Are you afraid of the dark?
Not really.

47. Do you miss someone today?
Every day.

49. Do you still have pictures of you & your exes?
Yep. I'm still actively friends with a few of them.

50. Who's always there for you no matter what?
God. Or my cats. Or all six.


Saturday, December 29, 2007

End of the Year Meme

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Rode a camel.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

New Year's what?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Nope. That was last year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

See #3. Same answer.

5. What countries did you visit?

No countries. Only states in the US. I was in Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Pennsylvania, drove through West Virginia (on the way to PA) and Ohio (duh). Pretty good for someone who only left town twice for a total of six days.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

More money, more travel (for fun), more playing with horses, more peace, more clarity.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

None of them. I'm still reeling from June 7, 2006 and September 30, 2006.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


OK. I can answer better. Making it through five college courses (three As, one B, and one C) in one semester. Fixing up my old house nearly singlehandedly to be ready for sale (learning to install toilets).

9. What was your biggest failure?

I'm no longer looking at them as failures, rather as challenges or lessons.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yup. Bunged up the left knee falling on ice on campus; caught a couple colds; sprained my right ankle; various bumps, cuts, cat scratches, bruises. Nothing dire or death-defying, though, thank God.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Gawrsh. Uh.... I'll have to say the Brawley bass I got on eBay.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My family's.

14. Where did most of your money go?


15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?


16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Sixx: A.M. "Life Is Beautiful"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
In comparison to last Christmas, my first without my parents, freshly grieving? I certainly hope happier.
b) thinner or fatter?
Fatter. And quite appalled with myself.
c) richer or poorer?
Debatable. Technically I'm "poorer" because the current level of savings I've been living off of has diminished, but I'm on the verge of receiving the payoffs from selling my house, selling my grandma's property, and splitting the inheritance cash, so... I'll be much richer in the very near future.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Playing with and riding my horse. Doing things for me rather than stuff I "gotta" do.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying. Grieving. Wasting time being angry about things I supposedly cannot change when it turns out I really CAN change them (it's just not second nature yet).

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Same as always (sort of)—with my family in PA, what's left of us. The differences were location and noticeable absence of parents.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Briefly, but it was unrequited.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Grey's Anatomy, the L Word, Dexter.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I try not to. Hate is a strong emotion. If you focus on hating someone, you'll only attract more of them into your life.

24. What was the best book you read?

The Attractor Factor; Life's Missing Instruction Manual; the Key; Zero Limits (all by Joe Vitale).

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Sixx: A.M. and Alter Bridge.

26. What did you want and get?

A new place to board my horses; a round pen for the boarding facility; new tennies and nighties; a new Brawley bass; Cubase; books on composing music in Cubase; a new lease on life.

27. What did you want and not get?

A husband.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

OF this year? Honey, I'm behind. I gotta wait until they show up on Netflix.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 44 and nobody in my FAMILY remembered or bothered to acknowledge it. Thankfully, my BFF remembered and we went out for Mexican. I had more than my share of Tecates with lime and wished the restaurant were actually IN Mexico, on the beach somewhere, so I could just grab an ice-cold six of Tecate beer and wander aimlessly through the sand all night.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Winning the lottery.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Bathrobes and slippers 24/7

32. What kept you sane?

Joe Vitale and a LOT of my own newfound ability to "talk myself down from the ledge".

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Nikki Sixx, for some reason. I thought he was so 1980s. But man, the dude is HOT. Nearly 50 and effing HOTTTTT.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

Don't go there.

35. Who did you miss?

My parents.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

My Insanknitty friends.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

Despite how it appears, we actually are in complete control. Even the terrible awful bad stuff that happens to us was something we subconsciously attracted to ourselves because of the unconscious limiting beliefs and counter intentions we all carry around—all the programming input by everyone and everything in our "external" world. Only by learning how to control our thought processes can we begin to manifest changes in our lives. (Law of Attraction, baby.)

I also learned that it is possible to live on an entirely cash-only basis, without using a single credit card. (Mom and Dad would be so proud.)

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"It took a funeral to make me feel alive... just open your eyes... open your eyes and see that life is beautiful" —Sixx: A.M. "Life Is Beautiful"

Feel free to steal this meme for yourself. Linda’s keeping tabs on the participants, so check back there for links.


Friday, December 28, 2007

Mo-o-om, He's Googling At Me Again!

It is interesting to note how people come to visit this page. I just checked my stats for S's & G's and learned that many people (a surprising amount) arrived here via a search for:

how do you remove butt crack hair
butt crack out
butt crack calendar

I must remember to watch how I title my posts (Cosmic Butt Crack).

It is comforting to know that not all searches were for something that obviously arose from the juvenile mentality of a bored 14-year-old boy on a Friday night. Some are actually looking for a life path:

parelli career(s)


Post-Holiday Wrap Up

All right, so I wound up going to visit the family after all.

It wasn't so bad.

In fact, it was far less eventful than I'd anticipated. The visit, that is. Getting there? A tad more eventful. No, everything is OK. But I was supposed to leave Sunday. I wasn't done wrapping. My car's windshield wipers went wonky again like they did on the trip to Omaha. The low tire light came on. We had severe high wind warnings. I postponed the trip until Monday.

Around 4 AM, I noticed an odd smell in the house. It was coming from the ceiling vents. Imagine opening up a brand-new vinyl shower curtain then heating it up. That's what it smelled like. It was enough to cause a mini-migraine.

I didn't get much sleep waiting for morning to arrive. The HVAC guy came quickly. After inspecting the furnace and crawling around in the attic, he vacuumed the unit and suggested I replace the filters (he was out of my size). He also took the optional air cleaner units away to be soaked (they were installed to help my mother's asthma).

Apparently furnace filters need to be replaced more often than once every three years or so.

I went to the hardware store on Christmas Eve day to buy furnace filters. Oh, joy.

Despite assurance that it was nothing more than that, I was somewhat uneasy about leaving, fearing I'd return to a smoldering pile of rubble where my house once stood. I decided that as long as my answering machine picked up, it meant the house was OK.

Around Columbus, I stopped for a burger and called my house.

No answer.

Ring ring ring ring ring.

Panic? Who me?

The friend caring for the cats had just gotten home from work. I called her. She drove right over there. House was OK.

Remember the answering machine malfunction from about two months ago?

Yup. It did it AGAIN. I swear. That thing is only a year old. (Today it was replaced with an all-in-one corded phone with answering device. From another company.)

My friend, whose nose is much more acute than mine, took a good whiff and said it smelled like old burning dust, not the scent of a potential electrical fire (which she'd had experience with in her lifetime). I relaxed and went on my way.

The house is fine. The smell is gone. All five felines are quite well, thanks. Just so you know.

The actual visit was fine, too. I'd neglected to factor in the Small Children Under Three aspect. Here I was basing my fears and trepidations on past experiences when it was just the adults with plenty of time to sit around drinking and grilling each other. Now there are toddlers. They take up the entire spotlight. Nobody focuses on anyone else's problems anymore because they are too busy trying to keep little hands off of dangerous things, and all the other stuff that goes along with that. What blessed relief!

It was also a startling relief to be at my sister's new house, because there were absolutely no associations to my parents this Christmas and therefore no overwhelming moments of sadness (no triggers). My parents never saw that house, never went to the niece's for the festivities—it was completely new except for the people involved.

I wasn't exactly brimming with Christmas Spirit, but I wasn't bah humbug either. I was, however, very glad to drive up and find my house exactly as I'd left it.

The trip made me realize a lot of things.

First of all, I'm not prepared to be responsible for a house like this. Dad took care of things so well that I never learned about things like where the main water shut off is, why furnaces smell like that, and so on. (You know how they teach Singles Survival in high school—how to read a lease, write checks, cook dinner? They should teach basic home maintenance and emergency preparedness, car care, and financial advice, too.) I have no idea what needs to be done to winterize the house, or spring maintenance, or how long a water heater lasts, or if I have to go down into the crawl space for any reason *shudder* and if so, what to look for and if not, who to call to do that. (And I'm a Kollidge Gradooit.)

Secondly, if I were away and an emergency arose at home, I am lost. I know my friend would whisk the cats to safety if she suspected danger, but... the cat carriers aren't accessible at night, she doesn't know where they are. I couldn't tell her where to find this or that paper (I know where it is, but it's not "filed"). There are certain things that can be duplicated while in existence but not replaced—right now, if the house... well, it would all be gone. My life. In a heartbeat.

I realized that I am paying for a storage unit. In that unit are things that I will "deal with later". The irony is that all of that stuff would be safe. The important stuff would be gone. Somehow that doesn't seem logical to me.

I realized that I need to prioritize differently. I need to prioritize getting this house in order, making sure the irreplaceable things are duplicated and the second set in a secure spot (at another location). I need to learn about seasonal and regular maintenance. I need to make some sort of loose plan. I need to put important things in writing (such as, in the event of the worst case scenario, here are my wishes for my cats, and so on).

I need to stop living my life on hold and in a holding pattern.

This was especially emphasized upon arrival at my sister's. I thought I'd be entering a nice new calm environment.

It was box central. It was JUST like the environment I'd just left a few hours ago. OK, I cut her some slack, she just moved in, but... I also know her. She's worse than me when it comes to procrastination. I predict, and really hope I'm wrong, that when I go for Xmas 2013, it will look pretty much the same. Cluttered, half-empty boxes stacked precariously everywhere, no place to sit... chaos. (At least I have entire rooms that are chaos-free.)

I also got a good look at personality traits I want to change. Am changing. Have changed, in some respects. The prevalent traits exhibited through their conversations are skepticism, victimization, and inferiority complexes. Skepticism: "Yeah, right, like that's ever gonna happen". Victimization: "We have no control over what happens—we can try to change it but it's mostly luck". Inferiority: "Forget it, because you don't have the right _______ (amount of money, talent, skill, age, weight, height, or other limitation) to make it happen".

There was one incident that underscored this. The day after, I was shopping at a deep discount store (it's a tradition) with the girls (the nieces who are close to my age) and one of their husbands before we all departed. One of my nieces is a very big girl—she's a 3X—and has been unsuccessful at losing any weight. The other was practically anorexic on her wedding day but has since been in a terrible car accident some years ago (that left her with nerve damage and back problems), produced a child, had a hysterectomy and has gained some weight over the past year. I'm heavier than I'd like to be, but I know I can change it.

I'd been in another department and found the girls exploring last summer's swimsuits. Big niece was looking through the one-pieces hoping to find one for her trip to Florida. Smaller niece was being helpful, pulling suits for Big Niece. I spied some two-pieces. As I reached for one, Smaller Niece looked up and said condescendingly, "Oh, Jeanne—*chuckle*—I think our days of bikinis are over, don't you? I doubt you can even get into a bikini anymore."

It didn't even bother me. I replied "Maybe for now, but I fully intend to be back in a bikini again." (Law of Attraction! At the same time, my brain said won't she be surprised next year when she sees how skinny I am then?)

She snorted and said "Good luck with that."

I said sincerely, "Thank you!" and smiled. And thought, how sad for them that they think that way.

Dead silence from the crew.

They had no idea how to respond to my unexpected reaction. They were expecting me to get defensive, or blast them, or some other reaction like I might've in the past.

I noticed how uncomfortable they were becoming. I let them stew for a bit, then diffused the situation with a joke (though I didn't mean it because I didn't believe it). I said "I can fit into a bikini... but I never said it would look good, ha ha".

I could get angry and say "what a bitch!" But I won't. Instead, I feel sad for her. Obviously she's very self-conscious about gaining weight, and is worried that she'll be as "powerless" to stop it as her sister (the Bigger Niece) has been. I'm sad because I know that BOTH of them have all the power within them to change anything about their lives that they dislike—but they don't know it—and even more sad, they are unwilling to see it or believe that it's possible. Their counter intentions are so firmly locked in.

Maybe when I've been blatantly and visibly successful at altering my own life, it'll serve as evidence to them of the possibilities in life, and maybe then they'll discover for themselves what I'm learning now. I know I could tell them, but it would fall on deaf ears. They need to SEE proof, not just hear about it. When I have visible results, I'll have the credibility they need, then they'll believe it.

Then, perhaps, they'll be inspired to try it for themselves.

Labels: , , , , ,

Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Day Before the Day Before Christmas

...and all through the house, not a creature was stirring...

Except for maybe the CatMom who still has a batch of cookies to bake, presents to wrap, laundry to fold, overnight bag to pack, and gifts to knit (!) before she can finally say....

moar funny pictures

Labels: ,

Friday, December 21, 2007

First Day of the Month Meme 2007

Having been tagged and given a letter by Julie, I now present... ten topics, truths, themes, or thingamabobs that begin with the letter A

The year began ostentatiously with, of all things, a meme.

OK. Quick update before I settle in for Can't Miss Thursdays.

Brief update on a college class project, nothing exciting.

Oh, Thank God. Midterms are over and it's FINALLY spring break.

Was I tired? Five classes? Gee, I dunno.

Yeah, I'm still alive out here. School is kickin' my @$ this week.

Again with the school posts. Can we say redundant?

Just to let you all know I'm still breathing—it's finals week.

Apparently school consumed the first half of 2007.

How weird is this? Through blogroll links, I found myself on WoolGirl's site looking at yarns and patterns and...

I found the pattern for the first project I'd ever knit.

Sound of footsteps running down the street outside my window.

Cue ominous music. No, don't. It was a kid. It was a short funny post. I'd forgotten all about it until this meme lead me back. I LIKE PIE!

My stash?

Rhetorical question. Aimed at myself. Organization forced me to realize the vastness of my stash exceeded the space allotted for its storage and I was aghast.

OK. Things have progressed enough that I feel it's safe to pass along a tiny clue as to the nature of the Big Secret.

This is when life definitely got interesting with the arrival of Rocker Boy, imported directly from Omaha. But who departed for points south due to job prospects (lack thereof) five weeks later. *sigh*

And here they are.

Someone finally remembered that blogreaders like to look at things and posted FO pictures.

All right, so there used to be 10 months.

Brain says, "If Sept = 7 and Oct = 8 and Nov = Nine, then why...?"

Well, I was going to post an entry about my experiments with the affirmation MP3 that I created for myself, but... I needed to edit.

And here we are. In Law of Attraction land.

It's been an interesting year, that's for sure. I think in my case the first sentences of every month barely allude to the themes of the months (except perhaps the first five because they were all school-focused) because I've taken you down some heavy duty roads along the way and the first lines belie that.

Well, thanks for stopping by and reading this. I apologize for abandoning the photos and for rambling on endlessly at times—I know, I shouldn't apologize, it's my blog to write as I wish, but, I do like to be considerate. Hopefully I've made a few impressions and have provided thoughts to ponder. Gee, it kind of sounds like I'm closing the doors here. I'm not... but I've noticed the focus has shifted from knitblogging and cats to more serious topics and mental things.

During the next few days I'm going to mull over whether to keep Knitty Banter as my focus, or make a change—although I still engage in fibery activities from time to time, I've developed an obsession with the Law of Attraction. It seems to pop up in my posts far more often than knitting does. So maybe an overhaul is in order.

Don't worry, if I "move", you will all be invited to the new hangout. It's just a thought. I'm pretty good at multitasking. Keeping several blogs going is no big deal. I just feel like I've become an impostor in the knitblog world by maintaining a knitblog that talks about everything BUT knitting. I feel like I should be sharing FOs—which I would if I had any to speak of, or stash enhancement—which I would if I were actually buying something other than Peaches & Cream for Christmas, but I've been sorely amiss.

Have a great holiday, and we'll see where this road leads. Either way, 2008 is GONNA BE GREAT!


Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Point of Christmas

Christmas was my Dad's favorite holiday. He was the one who put up the tree, lit up the house and made sure everyone was happy. He played Santa. He carefully purchased and wrapped all of the presents. He encouraged us to attend Christmas Eve services and he loved the carols and hymns. He was more interested in giving and seeing everyone's faces light up than he was in receiving. He would repeatedly say "All I want for Christmas is for everyone to be happy."

Mother insisted upon gathering everyone together on Thanksgiving and Christmas--she placed such importance on gathering that anyone who couldn't make it felt terribly guilty (even if the reasons were valid). She was the glue that held this family together. Going to my sister's for Christmas was mandatory; coming to their house for Thanksgiving was mandatory. Visiting for Easter was sort of mandatory but not as important.

They're both gone now. They both left this mortal coil in 2006. The first set of holidays without them was surreal—there had been holidays when someone was absent; there were a couple of times I went to my sister's by myself, so it wasn't completely new.

This year is different.

This year, it's real.

This year, it's not a fluke that we aren't all together, it's not a fluke that my parents aren't with us. It's reality. They are gone. For this and every other holiday in the future, in the next 40 or so years I hopefully have left on this planet, my parents will not be a part of the festivities.


This year, it's sinking in.

Thanksgiving isn't as difficult because it is one day, it is about food, it is more flexible. Spending it with friends is nice.

Christmas, on the other hand, is torture.

Christmas is a holiday for which most people spend an entire month gearing up (some spend the entire year), on which enormous emphasis is placed, and bears overwhelming ramifications in the emotional/mental realms. It carries extraordinary significance. One can choose to "ignore" Valentine's Day, Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving and New Year's, but one cannot get away from Christmas.

Christmas is just plain everywhere. Every advertisement has a red and green happy jolly theme. It's Happy Honduh Days. Santa's image is plastered all over the place (shouldn't it be Jesus?). Radio stations switch formats for the month. Any store you enter has Xmas Muzak blasting through the halls. Christmas just oozes out of the woodwork onto the streets and into your face.

There is no such thing as Thanksgiving music. Memorial Day, July 4th, and Labor Day are billed as BBQ party fests. Those holidays are also distinctly American. Halloween is a fun kids holiday with orange and black. Valentine's Day is for lovers. New Year's is basically a booze fest, an excuse to buy a new calendar, and a day to resolve to make changes that are promptly forgotten about the other 364 days.

But Christmas... it's for the WORLD. (Yes, there is Hannukah, Kwanzaa and other religious fests occurring simultaneously, hence the "ban the HO" and the "Holiday/Family Tree" controversy, but we all know that the common assumption is that this is, was and always will be viewed as "Christmas" Season.) They light trees in Russia. Children in Australia look forward to Santa's arrival as eagerly as children in Bulgaria, the US, China, you name it. Churches celebrate the birth of Jesus globally. Everywhere, all around this planet, the perspective is family, religion, happiness, togetherness, kids, presents.

I can't seem to get away from it. The general feeling is if you opt not to put up a tree, lights or other display, then you are Bah Humbug and Something Is Wrong With You (unless you can claim religious differences).

Well, I'm not Bah Humbug. I still love Christmas. I just can't bear to celebrate it again. Yet. It's too connected with my parents. I see a tree in a window lit with a certain color combination of lights, and it slices into my heart because it reminds me of Dad's trees. I enter a store, I hear "Silver Bells" (my grandma's favorite carol) and I silently say to the Universe, "are ya trying to kill me?" and I have to go down an empty aisle and refocus until the tears that automatically sprung to my eyes have abated. Or "I'll Be Home For Christmas" or "Home for the Holidays"—which of course they never will be again. I can't watch commercials because they promote the familyness of it all, the sappy, saccharine sentimentality of homecoming and togetherness. And it just plain hurts like hell to realize that it has been lost to me forever. Christmas as I know it, knew it for 42 years, is gone. Over.

What nobody ever bothers to tell you is that losing your parents (or husband or kid or anyone else of significance) isn't just something that happens one day and then you get three days off for grieving and it's over with. Nobody ever tells you that losing your parents (or etc) is EVERY DAY. Nobody warns you that it will spring up unannounced in the most unexpected places at the most inopportune times. They die, you live, and you live with the changes in every activity, every thought, every holiday, every event, every moment in time because it is completely different. Unless of course you weren't close to them like I was.

Maybe those people are luckier. It's hard to say; because what I've had and lost, they've never had the chance to experience and maybe they missed out.

Whatever. My bond with mine was so strong that it permeated every aspect of my life, and life without them is tantamount to having lost a couple of limbs. It hurts. Far deeper and far more significantly than I ever imagined it would.

This year, because of the residual feelings and underlying resentments that developed during my parents' illnesses and following their deaths and the estate nonsense, the idea of gathering feels uncomfortable to me. The anticipation of warmth in the embrace of my loved ones is absent. Instead, I suspect tension and treading eggshells would be the primary atmosphere, coupled with watching words and carefully avoiding certain subjects. I ask you: would you want to attend a festivity which would require being on guard the entire time?

It doesn't help that my sister has moved (finally). Even the familiarity of going over the river and through the woods to my sister's old farmhouse in rural PA is gone. Now, the festivities are held at her younger daughter's house and includes grandchildren. There is no transitional bleedover. There was the time period of Christmas at the old farmhouse with me, sister, parents, and sister's daughters/hubbys, then Christmas in the nursing home in 2005, then Christmas at the younger niece's house with brand new grandchildren and no parents. It's that distinct, the break. My parents never got to spend even one holiday with their great-grandkids.

This year, I have no inclination to buy gifts. This year, because of the overwhelming amount of "stuff" I've been saddled with, I have no interest in obtaining MORE stuff, especially—no offense—stuff purchased by people who only sort of know me (therefore its usefulness to my life is questionable and since I only have room for incoming stuff of vital importance...) This year, we (meaning my remaining family members and myself) are all in that financial limbo before the floodgates open (my sister and I) or are flat broke due to circumstances and/or poor choices (my sister and her daughters)—so why "waste" money on gifts for each other?

Ah, to meet expectations. But... whose expectations? Mine? Theirs? Real or imagined?

This year, it seems pointless to me somehow to celebrate Christmas. Christmas in the sense of commercialism and family gatherings seems pointless without my parents' presence. I think I did it for them and because of them. I wonder if maybe we all did. I wonder if left to our own devices, to make our own choices, to opt out, if we would opt out? If we didn't feel this sense of obligation to our parents' expectations and wishes, would we even bother?

I think that for me, the best thing would be to ignore the commercialism. Bypass the expectations of gifts, of enforced family togetherness, of creating That Perfect Holiday. Refocus my vision on the true meaning of Christmas, the one that gets lost in the materialistic spendfest: the birth of a Saviour, the gratitude for all of the blessings we have received and are about to receive, and the promise of Peace On Earth, Goodwill Toward Men. Celebrate quietly, go to church for a change, and bask in my thankfulness for all that I have and in the glory of God.

Maybe I will find there a renewed sense of spirit, and maybe someday I will once again feel that anticipation. Maybe one day I will be blessed with the presence of someone special in my life again, and be able to build my own family and rediscover a reason to celebrate. Maybe not this year, but someday in the future, I'll be able to look at a tree that is lit with a certain color combination and smile... and remember my Dad's trees with happiness and gratitude and without immediate tears, and to realize that giving myself over to the Christmas celebration DOES have a point, even in the absence of my parents or the family that they left behind.

May you all experience much joy and be blessed during this holiday season. Love your family and say a prayer of thanks if those you love deepest are still among you and able to be with you. Remember that it's not about the gifts, or the tree, or how clean or well-decorated the house is: it's about love in its purest, most profound form and about exalting that love.

That's what I'm doing. As best as I can, I'm doing it.

Labels: , , ,

Friday, December 14, 2007

Sock Yarn Contest

No, not my contest—MeanGirl's. She is having a contest. Visit her blog, 144 Inches of I-Cord, and leave a comment about your favorite holiday tradition. Winners will be chosen by random drawing and the prize is SOCK YARN. (I knew that would get your attention!)

In other more boring news, I spent 12 hours spackling, sanding, then touching up the paint in my old house (2-story, 3 BR, 1.5 BA, large eat-in kitchen, large LR), as well as caulking the tub fixtures and surround, fixing the dimmer switch (again) and having an actual plumber check for leaks then fix the hot water stop valve on the kitchen sink and replace the faucet for me which I could have done but hey he was reasonably priced, one less to do on my enormous list. This involved much bending, twisting, gripping, wax on wax off (Karate Kid reference), and numerous trips up and down two flights of stairs (second floor bathroom, basement fuse box, second floor bathroom).

Today I am SORE AS SH**. Not to mention the paint fume migraine from two of the colors. Let me repeat that.




Did you get that?

Good. I am off to take a third Tylenol, buy my milk and lottery ticket, and commence an evening on the couch with self-motivating lapwarmers.

Once again. Sore as... aw heck. At least it's DONE. All that remains is putting my toys (tools) away and tidying up the space. Which photographed pretty well, I might add.

Finally finished.

Go enter Jen's contest. NOW! :-)

Labels: , ,

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

iPod Meme

the iPod Meme / the Personal Choice Soundtrack Meme

Note: there are TWO memes here. The first is the iPod Meme that is making the rounds (tagged by My Middle Name is Patience)

If your life were a soundtrack, what would the music be?

Here’s how it works:
  1. open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod)
  2. put it on shuffle
  3. press play
  4. for every section, type the song that’s playing
  5. next section — press the next button
  6. don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool

opening credits:
Breaking the Law by Judas Priest

waking up:
Inside Out by XYZ

Should I guess what else you have in mind
When no means yes we've got to draw the line
Fire up and let me know
Come on honey let it go
Inside out whoa whoa oh do it again
Inside out whoa whoa oh do it again

first day at school:
Anything Goes by Guns N'Roses [Well. *shock* You'd think I did nothing but party.]

I been thinkin' bout
Thinkin' bout s*x
Always hungry for somethin'
That I haven't had yet
Maybe baby you got somethin' to lose
Well I got somethin', I got somethin' for you

My way your way
Anything goes tonight
My way your way
Anything goes tonight

falling in love:
Privilege by Incubus [somehow I find these lyrics appropriate]

Isn't it strange that a gift could be an enemy?
Isn't it weird that a privilege could feel like a chore?
Maybe it's me but this line isn't going anywhere,
Maybe if we looked hard enough, we could find a back door.

(Find yourself a back door)
I see you in line, dragging your feet you have my sympathy.
The day you were born, you were born free.
That is your privilege.
Isn't it strange that the man standing in front of me
Doesn't have a clue why he's waiting,

Or what he's waiting for?

Maybe it's me, but I'm sick of wasting energy.
Maybe if I look in my heart I could find a back door.
(Find yourself a back door.)

I see you in line, dragging your feet you have my sympathy.
The day you were born, you were born free.
That is your privilege.

breaking up:
Life Is Beautiful by Sixx: A.M.

I was waiting for my hearse—what came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive...

High Wire by Badlands [uh... *blush* really, I was a good girl at prom... that all came later]

Standin' here, I got my eye on you
Your story bleeds, but there's no review
Honey drip that set my soul on fire
Stealin' hearts got me walkin' the wire
You're gonna lose control
All night long
When I find my love, love, love
High wire

life’s okay:
Still of the Night by Whitesnake

In the still of the night I hear the wolf howl, honey
Sniffing around your door
In the still of the night I feel my heart beating heavy
Telling me I gotta have more

mental breakdown:
Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

Iris by Goo Goo Dolls [what a perfect song for the open road! But with all the heavy rock in my playlist, wouldn't Incubus' "Drive" have made more sense here?]

All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow [OMG, this is SO my life in 1989 Los Angeles...]

All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

I like a good beer buzz early in the morning
And Billy likes to peel the labels
From his bottles of Bud and shred them on the bar...

getting back together:
Love of a Lifetime by Firehouse [my, aren't we jaded?]

With every kiss our love is like brand new
And every star up in the sky was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together because our love is strong...

Finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
Finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart, I've
finally found the love of a lifetime

[Yeah... uh, isn't that what you said BEFORE we broke up?]

Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi [*gigglesnort*]

birth of child:
Breakdown by Tantric

I know the breakdown
Everything is gonna shake now someday
I know the breakdown
Tell me again now may you wake now baby
You can find the reason that
No One else is livin this way, yeah
Livin this way, yeah

If you find yourself then you might believe
Live within yourself you just might conceive

final battle:
I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt [oh, now, this is just depressing...]

death scene:
Click Click Boom by Saliva [oh, yeah, die with my boots on, headbangin'!]

Click Click Boom!
I'm comin' down on the stereo, hear me on the radio
Click Click Boom!
I'm comin' down with the new style and you know it's buck wild
Click Click Boom!
I'm on the radio station Tour around the nation,
Leavin' the scene in devastation

Why have I clouded up my mind
Why's my mother always right
And will I make it to the end
Or will I crawl away and die

end credits:
Making Memories of Us by Keith Urban

A good enough post mortem tune, I guess, though I would have preferred another song... which leads me to a thought. How about creating the sound track YOU desire?

opening credits:
Here For the Party by Gretchen Wilson
Welcome to the Jungle by Guns N'Roses
[fitting, because the end siren on "Party" is a great segue into Axl's siren-like primal scream at the beginning of "Jungle".]

waking up:
Up All Night by Slaughter

first day at school:
Out Ta Get Me by Guns N'Roses
[Same band from the original meme. Different song. More aptly describes my academic experience as a youth.]

falling in love:
Just Might (Make Me Believe) by Sugarland

breaking up:
I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
Leave the Pieces by the Wreckers

Lady by Styx

life’s okay:
Rise Today
by Alter Bridge
Gettin' Better by Tesla

mental breakdown:
Breakdown by Tantric

Drive by Incubus
Shapes of Things by Gary Moore

Shapes of Things by Gary Moore [yep, two appropriate places for one of my faves]
Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls

getting back together:
Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts

Faithfully by Journey

birth of child:
Sweet Child O'Mine by Guns N'Roses

final battle:
two songs by Sixx: A.M.
Life Is Beautiful
Pray For Me

death scene:
Click Click Boom by Saliva [I still find this fitting...]

end credits:
Can't Find My Way Home by Blind Faith
Go Rest High on that Mountain by Vince Gill
Every Day is a Winding Road by Sheryl Crow
[end on a positive song; long end credits cuz there would be lots of location crews and bit players *ahem* ;-) ]

Now it is YOUR turn. You decide. Either let fate choose your soundtrack... or YOU CHOOSE. Leave me a comment if you play along.


Friday, December 07, 2007


Something is changing inside of me. I am no longer the weak, easily manipulated, pushover that I once was. I am learning to stand my ground. I am learning that I am in fact smart enough and quick-witted enough to engage in a mental battle and stay standing. I can come up with counter arguments and turnarounds, stay calm and detached no matter what is lobbed at me, and am shielded and immune to exploitation and attacks designed to throw me off guard.

I'm withholding the details until it has all successfully panned out. What I can say is this: today I had a chat with the estate lawyer. It was a difficult chat, because I had to point out that somewhere along the way, the lines between the cut-and-dried verbage of the Will and the edges of the personal lives of the executors had become so blurred that the Will itself was in danger of being grossly misinterpreted. That's not how I put it, but that's the gist of it.

When the status of one's personal finances is being brought into question and/or used as a basis for fairness of estate distribution, something is very very wrong.

However, I think we are back on track, back to reading the Will as written, and interpreting it as we were initially instructed it would be, and leaving out anything extraneous.

People, when you write your Wills, don't assume that your darlings will be loving and kind to each other in their grief. Assume the worst. Hope for the best. Hope that they will rally and be there to catch each other, and that they will value each other more than a trinket—but write the Will to preempt the worst. Assume that they will indeed fight, get jealous, that underlying resentments will rise, that it will get ugly. If you even suspect that there is the smallest seed of jealousy or anything else negative, squash its growth potential in the Will.

Think of the absolute worst behavior they could possibly engage in, and account for it in your Will by being so specific that there is no room for misinterpretation or exploitation or for someone with manipulative skill to be able to sway another's thinking. Then, make sure that they know how much you love each of them in a way that they'll never doubt it. Make sure they are ALL your "favorites".

I'm glad for one thing. Though the past two years have been harder than any other time in my life, I have learned SO MUCH from it and grown so strong—stronger than I ever thought I could be. For that, I am grateful. I was watching a show on the Biography Channel the other night, "Six Months", about two people with terminal illnesses who were given six months to live. One of them, author Janice Chaffee, said she was stunned by people who told her how strong she was to be dealing with her cancer, how they would never be strong enough to withstand it themselves. Her response?

"Of course you would. You aren't that strong right now because you don't need to be, but when you do need to be, you'll BE that strong."

I thought that was the most profound statement I've ever heard—and absolute truth.

Labels: ,

Pair of Dimes Shift

Let's just admit that this blog is no longer about knitting, but about everything else.

Today, I found a short, free e-book by Bob Proctor, another LoA enthusiast, that had some startling insights for me:
Money is only used for two things. One, it’s to make you comfortable, an the more comfortable you are the more creative you will become. And the other purpose is it enables you to extend the service you provide far beyond your own presence.
Comfort and service. That's not what I was taught by parents/school/media. Well, comfort, maybe... but not service. Sad, because that's the more enlightened use of the exchange medium that is money.

Money will make you more of what you already are. If you're not a nice person, money’s going to make you a despicable individual. If you're a good person, money’s going to make you a better person.
(Well, that explains a lot about some people I know. I see now why certain people in my life have become more despicable lately, and it's merely the result of their believing they are soon to acquire more money. They don't even have it yet and already they are degenerating.)

If money magnifies what you already are, then... shit. I'm in trouble maybe.

If I already am a person who is confused, downtrodden, prone to depression/negative thinking (though I fight it every day—oops, sorry, I meant to say focus on changing that reality every day), messy, disorganized, and occasionally lazy...

Money will make me MORE confused, downtrodden, prone to depression/negative thinking, messy, disorganized, and occasionally lazy.

So the FIRST thing I need to do before even focusing on acquiring more money is to focus on becoming the PERSON that I want to be, the person whose qualities I would very much want to magnify.

Otherwise, I'll be rich and miserable.

I need to undergo a paradigm shift.

A Pair-Of-Dimes Shift. (As in I need more than just a pair of dimes in the pocket of my trousers...)

Yeah, my mind thinks weird sometimes. Just go with it.

But seriously. It appears that what I need to focus on even moreso than building a bigger bank account is building a better ME. First and foremost. That way I'll be magnifying good qualities rather than, uh, becoming despicable (like others I know).

Thoughts for the day...

Labels: ,

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Cosmic Butt Crack

Well, I feel better today. Apparently there was a cosmic misalignment yesterday that involved healing old wounds. (I'm serious.)
Daily Cosmic Calendar: December 03, 2007
Easy does it! The first workday of December is a whirlwind of intensity. Giant Jupiter in Sagittarius makes an abrasive 45-degree link to Chiron in Aquarius (9:34AM PST). If you are feeling wounded and hurt - particularly on emotional and psychological levels - join the club. The object is to heal old pains from the past on a high note. Helping you do that are a Venus-Pluto supportive, 60-degree alignment (2:34PM PST) and this evening's Sun-Chiron 60-degree tie (7:33PM PST). These two sky patterns can certainly assist you in neutralizing the shadow side and fallout from this morning's Jupiter-Chiron clash. The Venus-Pluto rapport also gives romantic bonds a well-deserved boost. Nevertheless, the universe is still operating in a kind of staccato, uncertain manner since Mercury in Sagittarius squares Pallas in Pisces (2:41PM PST) while the Sun in Sagittarius makes an awkward, 150-degree link to Ceres in Taurus (10:28PM PST). The Mercury-Pallas liaison reminds you to be somewhat cautious while involved in business meetings and in vital communications. The Sun-Ceres association suggests improving your diet and becoming more aware of nutritional needs. Try to maintain your productivity in key crafts and hobbies despite the strong array of challenging aspects. You may gain some solace from a Sun-Moon 60-degree rapport tonight (9:25PM PST). The Moon continues its march through airy Libra - rekindling the need to improve the quality of primary partnerships.
Whereas part of today's read:
Daily Cosmic Calendar: December 04, 2007
After yesterday's cosmic slugfest, the universe retreats into a much calmer state of reality... reflect on recent gains and losses without getting down on yourself for past errors and poor judgment. Like yesterday's psychic atmosphere in connection with Chiron, you may find golden opportunities for healing old wounds.
All I know is, please keep the cosmic slugfests at bay, willya Universe?

I find it quite interesting that my mood was indeed influenced by the planetary alignments and I didn't even read the Cosmic Calendar yesterday.

Anyway. All better now. Sun came out. Woke up in better spirits. Spent eight hours at the old house. Pulled up old carpet staples, swept, vacuumed, cleaned windows/walls, took down cat-hair-infested curtains, cleaned out fridge, cleaned stove, mopped kitchen, last-minute tidying... all the bedrooms are ready for their closeups (being photographed tomorrow for the listing). The living room is ready. The kitchen is ready. The basement? Not so much. Ran out of time and energy by 9:30 PM.

The toilets are beyond cleaning. The date stamped on the inside of the tanks reads June 1976. Wow. The original potties. It's nearly quease-inducing to think of the amount of unknown butts that have graced them since the house was built in 1976. I've had the house for eight years. It had at least 10 owners before me. That's a lot of butts. The real estate agent advised me to replace them. The faucet in the upper bath has a broken handle (no ceramic for me, thanks) and drain stopper. The kitchen faucet has developed an untimely leak around the base. I videotaped it to share with the guy at Home Depot.

I went to Home D for the toilets—the old ones are cheap, the new ones are, too. They're the most popular all-in-one kit toilet that a lot of apartments and new homes use. Isn't it wonderful? Their spend $299 no interest no payments til January 2009 promo ends December 5th. Perfect timing. I bought two toilets, a faucet for the bathroom, a faucet for the sink, a welcome mat, two curtain rods, and 48 sixty-watt light bulbs (a four-pack for 77 cents? Steal!).

The total?


Go me!

Why is that so important? Because I broke my no credit card rule just for this purpose and to get the promo, I had to spend $299. I used my HD card. That way it doesn't come out of my survival money, and I have at least a year before I have to pay it off (which I will as soon as the house sells).

Guess who is installing it all?


I was all set to put the installation on the card but the guy in plumbing told me "it's easy. You can do this. It'll take you five minutes to pull out the old toilet, and ten minutes to install the new one. They charge $129 PER TOILET to install them." He went on to tell me how to do it: remove the covers at the base, remove the bolts, shut off the water, unhook the hose, pull out the old toilet, put the ring down, put the new one in place, hook up the hose, bolt it down, done. No fancy equipment needed. He reassured me that a girl in another department who'd never done any home remodeling bought the same model and installed it easily, and that if I was comfortable with my compound miter saw and installing Pergo, this would be a breeze.

Hope he's right.

So Wednesday I become a plumber for a day. My friend C, who has been a Godsend since everything erupted last year (could not have gotten moved without her help), is meeting me in the afternoon to help me install them. Should be interesting.

Someday, I'll be finished with the house, it'll be sold. Someday, I'll be released from all of this leftover stuff. Someday, the estate will close, my obligations here will end, and I'll be moved on. Someday.



Very bizarre.

Late Sunday night, after watching Desperate Housewives (OMG the ending!), Dexter and whatever was on in between, I flipped over to Joel Osteen's sermon #368 "Be Comfortable with Who You Are". He starts with a joke, then launches into the day's topic.

I was riveted.

The sermon/topic mirrored my last blog. Everything from "Out of this hurl-fest" onward. Joel's subject matter was that each of us has a special gift to share and that by sharing our gift, we'll be abundantly blessed.

When, in the course of listing the various gifts we are uniquely given, he said "some of you may be communicators", I nearly fell off the couch.


The message I got from his show was validation of what I've been thinking about—but also more insight. Joel talked about focusing on our strengths, because that is where our gift lies. He said God will open doors for you and do all He can to help you to become the person he created you to be, but he won't help you try to be something you're not. I relate that to the obstacles that pop up whenever the wrong path is taken.

In addition, the daily message "Today's Word" from the Osteen Ministries followed up on this. (If you're uncomfortable with the God terminology, feel free to replace words. I won't be offended. I used to get a bad case of "ick" myself but now I'm fine with it.) Have a read:

Pursue Your Strengths
Today's Scripture
“Do not neglect your gift…” (I Timothy 4:14).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
God has equipped each one of us with specific gifts and talents. It’s up to you to not only to identify those gifts, but to be disciplined to develop those gifts. You have to learn to stay in your strength zone. What are you naturally good at? What do you enjoy doing? Take the time to identify your strengths and weaknesses and as the scripture says, give yourself to your gifts. In other words, don’t spend all your time trying to improve your weaknesses. Don’t waste valuable days pursuing things that are outside your main gifting. Focus on your strengths. There is something that you’re good at naturally—something you can do that comes easy to you. Step out into your area of gifting. Are you good with people? Are you good with your hands? Do you have a great voice? Find ways to develop those gifts. Know that your gifts and talents are a part of your divine destiny. If you’ll be comfortable with who God made you to be, and thank Him for your unique gifting, you’ll not only enjoy your life more, but you’ll be ready to receive the abundant blessing God has in store for you!
Kinda creepy, isn't it, how closely it correlates to my thoughts from the day before, eh?

So you'd think after hearing this, I'd wake up inspired today, right?


Not sure what was wrong with me today but never mind the positive thinking, I was in a major funk today and it wasn't about to budge. I even took a bubble bath (rare occurrence) to try to shift the sadsack mentality.


When J called, for some reason I unleashed it on him. He's very non-emotional and handles my occasional mood swings deftly (points for that). After two hours of "counseling", we hung up so I could eat (and watch the rest of the Closer). Then it hit me what the source of the funk was. Those darned limiting beliefs. Well, I asked for it. I put that affirmation in there to wake them up, and I must've opened an enormous can of worms because during my emotional launch at J, a whole lot of long buried limiting beliefs (aka "excuses") flew out. Stuff I didn't even know was in there.

I tell ya, these affirmations can be dangerous! I'm thinking I need to edit my MP3. Re-examine some of the phrases. See if there are any potentially damaging flipsides to them (no matter how positive they sound). I think the limiting belief paragraph is worthwhile, but... maybe better left for later in the course of things, or... maybe you play that one ONCE then fasten your seat belt. Kind of the introductory purge, followed up by a high dose of light happy thoughts designed to counteract the wormcan.

Do I feel better?

Ask me in the morning.

Labels: ,

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Brain Barf

Well, I was going to post an entry about my experiments with the affirmation MP3 that I created for myself, but... I needed to edit. The original version was too long. I couldn't even get through it. (You may feel the same way about this post, I don't know.) As written, the entry I almost posted comes off like the incoherent ramblings (IMHO) of an insane person. I know I'm out there sometimes but if it's striking me as out there...

Let's just say that I completed my assignment and made the 38-minute MP3 (with a 12-page script of affirmations) and successfully uploaded it to the cell phone and fell asleep to it last night, and that the resulting aftermath today was not what I expected, but... astounding.

OK. Since I have to share this with someone...

Because I've read so much about the effect that limiting beliefs have on the probability of manifesting stuff, and I know I've been carrying around a TON of them (aren't we all), I wrote a specific affirmation in my script to deal with that:
Each of my limiting beliefs now rises, one by one, to the surface of my consciousness, where it is acknowledged, identified, understood, and released. I choose now to identify, understand, and release ALL of the limiting beliefs and to carry this understanding into my waking consciousness. Any obstacle that has inhibited my progress in the past is now gone. I choose to let it GO.

I was expecting to wake up yesterday (Saturday) feeling the way I've felt all week listening to the other MP3s (optimistic and centered). What I wasn't expecting was to spend the entire afternoon dealing with brain barf. My brain basically projectile-vomited as many of my limiting beliefs as it could, and I had to acknowledge, identify, understand and release them.

Out of this hurl-fest arose a clarity of purpose that I have not had since I was small. It's not about being a musician, writer, horsemanship instructor, graphic artist, or whatever. The clarity came when I realized that ALL of this is just surface extraneous stuff—the real reason for being transcends the physical. To really get what I'm trying to say here will require further explanation, but the gist is that it's about the soul's purpose, not the method of manifestation. What I choose to "be", that is, how I manifest my soul's purpose (by "being" a musician or whatever) is not anywhere near as important as the fact that I actually DO manifest my soul's purpose.

I'm here on this earth to give something, and to receive something. What I'm here to get is the understanding of how this whole "life in the physical thing" functions (it goes way beyond grow up go to college get job make money get married have kids buy big screen TV) and learn how to play The Game (life) in order to transcend the levels of soul development and achieve enlightenment (a phrase I don't like but have yet to think of a better way to put it). What I'm here to give is my gift—and I'm obligated to do so.

After an entire afternoon of self-analysis, startling revelations and loads of brain barf, I realized that the common thread joining my varied interests is communication. Music, art, writing—methods used to communicate ideas. Natural horsemanship—method of communicating with horses. Metaphysics and natural horsemanship—alternative ways of thinking, perceiving, believing. It all makes sense (to me, anyway).

Perhaps my gift isn't as precise as music or art or animals. Perhaps it is merely the skill of communicating and perhaps music/art/blogging/(fill in blank) is just a vehicle. Maybe I'm a communicator in the way that some are healers. Maybe my soul's job is to teach (impart knowledge, not necessarily pursue the profession). Maybe the knowledge I'm to teach has something to do with all this Law of Attraction stuff I'm learning about, because it—whether you call it LoA, prayer, faith, spells, meditation, visualization or something else—IS the whole key to "winning" (ascending) the "game" (the levels of enlightenment) of "life" (the soul's experience within a physical construct).

When we gratefully and eagerly share our gift, it sends a message to our souls. It is in alignment with our most authentic self (soul) and our purpose. The soul responds with an outpouring of positive energy. This energy attracts to it like energy—so we experience the ever-expanding abundance of the Universe. In human terms, when we shift our attitudes, drop our limiting beliefs, and follow our most authentic bliss without reservation, we get great things in return. Good things start happening for us. That proverbial ship comes in. We live a great life.... as long as we stay in alignment with our SOUL'S purpose and continue to freely share that gift without getting caught up in the rewards (putting more emphasis on the rewards or trappings than on the soul's purpose/message).

I'm out of steam now, so I'll leave you with this for now.

Labels: , ,